Stereotypes serve an important purpose when used properly.  Stereotypes are mental shortcuts.  They allow for quick reactions to new stimuli and prevent information overload.  Stereotyping can protect us from harm and increase the likelihood that we will act appropriately in response to unfamiliar situations.

Without stereotyping our heads would spin.  We would have to approach each person as a complete unknown in each and every respect.  Being able to make some initial assumptions about an individuals characteristics simplifies matters.  It takes a complex mind and thought process to break away from reliance on stereotyping and view people individually.

A major problem with stereotyping is it’s overuse, misuse, and the blindness it can create to all things contradictory to the stereotype.  Some stereotypes have little modern truth and are more harmful than helpful.  We tend to see what we expect to see.  We notice, remember, and share information that supports our preconcieved way of viewing the world and ignore the rest.

It’s okay to stereotype, but not to the extent that you become blinded to information contrary to your preconceived notions.  Become aware of your use of stereotyping.  Open your eyes and ears to anything that supports or contradicts the stereotypes you assign to others.

“If someone wants to break in, they will!” a woman said in response to a string of neighborhood car break-ins.  The “there’s nothing you can do about it” mentality is one of the most common responses to a crime of victimization, but is victimization purely a matter of chance?  Do we have any control?  And most importantly, would women benefit from believing they had some ability to avoid victimization?

This writing applies to crimes of victimization generally, but is particularly meant to address the victimization of women.  I do not advocate victim blaming.   Vulnerability never excuses victimization, but we live in a dangerous world, especially us females, so our best bet is to do whatever we can reasonably do to protect ourselves.  I am a strong advocate of empowering women in order to minimize their risk of victimization.

As a lawyer, I have experience in prosecution, criminal defense, and with victims’ rights organizations.  As you can imagine, I’ve seen a lot.  As a women, I have experienced the danger and vulnerability that comes just from existing as a women in society.  As an advocate for victim’ s rights, I’ve wondered, is it helpful to repeatedly tell victims, it’s not your fault (a commonly used approach), without providing victims with the tools to minimize their risk of future victimization.

There are a lot of women who have been repeatedly victimized and/ or victimized by multiple offenders, and I believe we hurt victims if we don’t help them understand what they can do differently in the future to minimize their chance of victimization.

I strongly believe WE DO HAVE SOME CONTROL over our circumstances.   And for our safety and wellbeing, I think it’s important that you understand this.  Without this belief, you are much more likely to continually fall victim.  I am incredibly sympathetic to victim’s of crime, and especially passionate about the victimization of women and children.  I am not saying, and would never say, “It’s your fault.”  I don’t believe that anything positive comes from living with shame.  I do say this however– The only person you have control over is yourself.  Although you cannot control all that you experience, you do have control over your own actions and responses.  You are an active participant in each instance of your life.  Even when you chose inaction, that is a choice you are making.  There are few instances when you have no choice whatsoever, and with many of those, you could have chosen to avoid the situation.  Until you see things this way, you won’t go on to make decisions that lessen your risk.

You have more control over your life then you may realize.  Things don’t just happen to us, we do things constantly, throughout each and every day of your life, that make it either more or less likely that we will be victimized.  Obviously there are exceptions to every rule, but criminals generally seek out the easiest targets.  I don’t deny that if someone has made it their life’s mission to attack you, there’s little you can do about it.  But from everything I’ve ever known or seen, that’s a rarity, in crimes involving strangers.  If you’re a victim, most likely the perpetrator will be someone close to you, and unless you’re a child, by something you’ve done or failed to do, you have allowed that person into your life.  Important Lesson: Be very careful about who you let into your life, it can make all the difference in the direction your life takes.  Also Important: Predators almost always chose their victims.  They can spot the person in the crowd who’s vulnerable, even through nonverbal messages and how you carry yourself when you walk.

Here are some examples of decisions you can make, that make your victimization more are less likely: drink too much=increased vulnerability, dress provocatively=increased sexual attention (We can’t ignore that people react to our appearance, sometimes positively, other times not so much, and no, I’M NOT SAYING YOU’RE ASKING FOR IT), walk alone=increased vulnerability, leave door unlocked=increased vulnerability, accept drink from stranger=increased vulnerability, go home with someone you just met=increased vulnerability.  You get the picture.  The most common method I’ve seen criminals use is to fairly quickly go from one potential target to the next until they get lucky.  And if they find no quick successes, they’ll go elsewhere or wait until another time.

If it’s a car break-in, they split up and go down a row of cars in a parking lot until they find the one with the door open.  There would have to be something pretty valuable within eyesight for them to take the time and effort to actually break into a car.  If it’s burglary, they go down the block checking for unlocked doors, garages, and windows.  Again, they’re looking for the quickest, easiest, quietest, entrance. If it’s sexual assault, they’re looking for the drunk one, the one who’s unsure of herself, the one who will put up the least fight, the one that won’t demand respect when challenged, who allows them to sit too close, talk too inappropriately too soon, or otherwise violate normal boundaries.  What I’m saying is this.  You could be the most cautious person on earth and be a victim.  It is so, soooo, much less likely, but yes, it can happen OR You can view your life, body, and property, as something you have some real control over, and you can greatly reduce the chance you’ll fall prey.  Those are your choices.

THE #1 REASON BEHIND THE CREATION OF MANKINIREVOLUTION.COM is because we believe the sexual double standard leads to incredible vulnerability of females.  Even feminine men, for that matter.  It also gives predators a way to verbally and emotionally abuse people, justification for their feelings of superiority, and  justification for their desire to take what hasn’t been offered.  My life’s mission is to help empower women to act in a way, and to have a life view, that makes them less vulnerable.

Today’s heterosexual women show more interest in looking at scantily clad women than men.  Here are 5 rarely considered reasons why the majority of heterosexual women have yet to show interest in seeing the male body and why it’s time for change.

1. Men have money, women want money. Traditionally, women relied on men’s support for their very survival.  Women were unable to purchase or rent property on their own, obtain loans, and were generally excluded from lucrative career options.  Because of this, women’s efforts were best spent 1)increasing their own desirability, 2)comparing themselves to other women of desire in order to successfully compete for men, and 3)avoiding behavior that would make them less desirable to men.  In today’s world, women are educated, have careers, have the ability to support themselves, and can be just as independent as men, and many are.

2. Men have more physical strength.  Historically, women put themselves in danger if they didn’t conform to what men wanted, because physical strength was necessary for survival.  Now, in the U.S. we have laws in place to protect women from rape and other forms of violence, and there is a strong social stigma attached to violating those laws.  In countries without these protections for women, it is extremely dangerous for women to rebel against men’s preferences.  Even today, women are stoned to death for violating sexual norms.  In parts of the Middle East, it’s considered acceptable to kill a female rape victim, because the victim is viewed to have disgraced the family by her rape.  Men don’t fear being physically harmed by women they stare at, harass, or come on to.  Women have more reason for concern.

3. Women are primary caretakers of children. While women were stuck at home with children, they did not have the opportunity, time, money, or independence to pursue their own interests.  Now women have birth control, have fewer children, later in life, and men’s and women’s responsibilities for childrearing are becoming more equal.

4. Men have the power. Men still have the majority of socio-economic and political power.  As a result, women have been quick to conform to men’s desires.  Few women who gain power have brought other women up with them, and as with anything, people are slow to change.  Even today, women have few opportunities to develop the habits of viewing men sexually.

5.Shame if a strong deterrent. Historically, paternity testing did not exist and men wanted to ensure they were the biological fathers of the children they were supporting.  This is why the sexual double standard came into existence. Even today, men feel much more secure when their woman is thinking about them, love, kids, cooking, and cleaning, then lusting for others.  Women are socialized to feel shameful for having impure thoughts.  Although women would also feel more secure if their men had similar devotion and focus, women are told, men can’t help it, it’s the way they’re made. After all, there has to be some explanation for the existence of the sexual double standard.

6. When male nudity is shown, it is rarely presented in a sexually stimulating manner. Unlike the common presentation of women’s bodies in the media (like a beautiful woman’s slow motion strip tease), nude men are most typically included in movies and print for shock value or humor.  Few people realize the impact of mere difference in presentation.  As a result, women are less likely to view male nudity as sexually arousing, and more likely to make comments like, “gross” or “put some clothes on.”

This is my response to a reader’s comment that gender differences are innate, discounting the role of societal influences.

The view that gender differences are primarily innate continues to be the most prevalent view, no doubt.  Calling all gender differences innate however, fails to account for the deeply ingrained cultural influences, and societal pressures that play a tremendous role in making each of us who we are, or to consider the causes of those forces. The majority of studies on gender have sought to provide us with support and explanation for why things are the way they are. That view makes efforts towards change and improvement a waste of time. Fortunately the focus of scientists is slowly changing.

What it comes down to is this: There are more similarities then differences between men and women, blacks and whites, groups of people in general, and all the focus on stereotypical differences only breeds inequality, lack of understanding, and distrust between the sexes. The view that women are highly emotional, fragile, and uninterested in sex and the male body, makes women vulnerable, and puts women at a real disadvantage in today’s world. It prevents us from expressing parts of who we are, and from feeling secure, independent, and capable. If you call these differences innate, that means we must accept things as they are, which makes it impossible to effectuate positive change. I do not believe nor accept that inequalities between the sexes are beyond people’s control. Studies of epigenetics reveal that although genetics predispose people towards certain traits, environmental factors play an important role in determining which genes are expressed and to what extent. People are capable of change, people are moldable, and environmental influences do play a large role in making us who we are.

Women are still labeled sluts for the same behavior people find acceptable, excusable, and sometimes admirable in men.  This double standard effects both men and women in a negative way and is more dangerous then you may realize.  Here’s why:

1. It  is used to damage girls’ reputations and self esteems

2. It plays a role in maintaining inequality between the sexes. It is a factor that prevents females from being treated as respected individuals, equal to men

3. It is used to justify irresponsible and abusive male sexual behavior.

4. It even prevents men and women from fully enjoying sex within a monogamous relationship. Many women feel shameful and uncomfortable expressing their sexual desires in a normal, healthy way, and fully enjoying their sexuality, even within marriage, leaving couples dissatisfied and more vulnerable to cheating.  Recent studies show women behave very similarly to men sexually, but women are much less honest and much more shameful about their sexual behavior.

5. It’s commonly used as ammunition by abusers against women who are in physically, emotionally, or sexually abusive relationships, and is effective in making victim’s feel undeserving of better treatment.

6. It hurts female rape victims. Women are encouraged to play hard to get, leading men to wonder if “No means No.”  Women are led to feel damaged if sexually abused.  Women are afraid to report rape for fear that their sexual histories will be revealed.  Women’s sexual histories are used to discount their credibility.

7. It hurts victims of sexual harassment, for reasons similar to those listed above.

8. It encourages men to take part in disrespectful and risky sexual behavior. Men are frequently labeled gay if they refuse to take part in sexualizing women.

9. It breeds distrust and a lack of understanding between the sexes, and creates an environment of disrespect and insecurity.

What You Can Do About It:

The first step is awareness.  The double standard is so ingrained in us, many people don’t think twice about participating in it’s continuation.   Take notice of the prevalence of the double standard in tv, movies, and life in general.  Recognize it as problematic, apply the same judgment to males and females for the same behaviors, and speak up when this rule is violated.

The double standard has done little to discourage irresponsible behavior.  Recent studies show that the sexual behavior of men and women is very similar, women are just less honest and more shameful about it.  Self respect, morality, pregnancy and disease, and other real consequences of promiscuous sexual behavior that effect both women and men should be enough of a reason to avoid irresponsible, self destructive, sexual behavior.   It’s time both sexes are held to the same standard.

To learn where the double standard came from and why it persists click here: Origin of Double Standard

Before his 2009 AMA Music Award Performance, Adam Lambert said that he wanted to break down the double standard that exists, where it is commonplace for female but not male musicians to perform in a sexually provocative manner.  Lambert didn’t hold back. His act consisted of both male and female dancers, portrayed in a provocative manner. Lambert led a male dancer around on a leash, put another dancer’s head near his crotch, and ended his performance by kissing a man. Lambert was applauded by some as courageous and left others disgusted.

Although highly provocative, Lambert’s performance, was not unlike the performances of popular female singers, and the kiss was similar to the Madonna-Brittany Spears kiss.  It is as if the music awards shows have turned into a contest to see who can be the most sexually outrageous, which is concerning, considering how many young people admire those who take part. I don’t support the extent of raunchiness on television, but I find the inequality in the way men and women tend to be portrayed as even more disturbing.

This raises an interesting question, in today’s world, are men still judged significantly more harshly than women for displays of sexually provocative and homosexual or bisexual behavior, and if so, why?

From my experience, there is an obvious answer to the first part of this question: yes, men are judged more harshly than women for dressing in a sexually provocative manner and for displays of homosexual or bisexual behavior.  Not to say women go without judgment, but the most revealing questions are why does this double standard exist, what is its effect, and is it changing?

I find the gay-straight continuum the most compelling theory to explain human sexual preference. Based on the continuum theory, only a small percentage of people are 100% gay or 100% straight; that is if we lived in a world without expectation or judgment regarding one’s sexuality, most of us, even we who identify ourselves as completely heterosexual, would have to admit to some homosexual attraction, not matter how slight. Although many heterosexual people are capable of being sexually aroused by the same sex, people often repress homosexual urges and deny their existence to others, because heterosexual behavior has traditionally been considered more socially and morally acceptable.

Based on this theory, it is understandable that more women are admittedly bisexual. Why? A lot of men think it’s hot, so even if women aren’t otherwise any more inclined towards bisexuality then men, women are much more likely to act on and admit to homosexual attraction. I’ve witnessed plenty of primarily heterosexual women admit to or act on bisexual tendencies, to get attention from men; women who wouldn’t have done so, but for the eager male audience. If women start viewing male homoerotic behavior as a turn on, I have little doubt that, with time, at least as many men as women would admit to same sex attraction.

Another major factor is that the vast majority of the sexualized images women see throughout their lives are of women. That being the case, even women can’t help but take part in objectifying other women. Again, with time, I believe that with increased exposure to sexualized images of men, men will be objectified to the same extent. Considering the popularity of movies such as “New Moon,” and performers such as Adam Lambert, we’re heading in that direction.

Just as many heterosexuals have some ability or tendency towards homosexual attraction, even if never admitted to or acted upon, homosexuals may also have some level of attraction to or ability to become sexually aroused by the opposite sex. The reason it’s less common for men to be openly bisexual than women is due to the social stigma attached, men are more likely to repress sexual attraction toward the same sex, unless that attraction is extremely strong, meaning the guy is way over on the gay side of the gay-straight continuum.

Why does the lesbian/gay man double standard exist? Throughout history, those identifying themselves as straight men have held most of the socio-economic and political power, and a lot of straight men are not comfortable revealing they have any gay inclination. It’s not seen as macho. Revealing such an inclination would make them feel vulnerable. Because most men are primarily heterosexual, they would rather look at and be with women then men anyway, so acting on a same sex attraction hasn’t been worth the social stigma it carries. Women, who have had less power traditionally, have been the sex more likely to conform to what men want. Because of this, women are more likely to go along with the objectification of other women, then to objectify men.

Obviously not all women who act of same sex attraction are doing it to please men, but if men treated bisexual behavior between girls as disgusting, female bisexual tendencies would be much less commonly acted on. A man’s typical sexual fantasy with lesbians, involves the girls putting on a show for the man and wanting to please him. The idea of two men putting on a show for women is less appealing to straight men, not only because of the social stigma attached, but because it takes away the feeling of being macho and in control.

If the gay-straight continuum theory holds true, once women allow themselves to enjoy the thought of and site of male homo-erotica, male bisexual behavior and female bisexual behavior will be seen in a very similar fashion and the additional stigma associated with male homosexuality will fade away.

What do you think? How much of a role will a person like Adam Lambert, who’s desired by gay men and women alike, have in changing this double standard? It would be interesting to hear from individuals who identify themselves as gay, straight, and bisexual.

In January of 2010 I watched an episode of the Ellen Degeneres show on television. During the episode Ellen was celebrating Australia, and decided to try and play the didgeridoo, an instrument that is a part of Australian culture. Apparently that was not received well. Many people wrote in complaining that a woman should never play the didgeridoo, and that it’s forbidden. Therefore, Ellen apologized on her show for playing the instrument. I’m not well versed on the culture behind the instrument, however, I can’t help but feel very offended that a woman be forbidden to play any instrument, no matter the circumstances. One can enjoy culture without separating the sexes, and making the other feel lesser. How do you feel on this subject? Is there anything men are forbidden from that women can only do?

I would like to note that I did do a little research on the didgeridoo, and did come across some material that stated not all tribes follow the rule that only men play the didgeridoo. I’m only speaking about the ones that do. Secondly, I have great respect for culture, and am in no way taking away from how important that is.

Personally, I can’t help but feel offended when anything in a culture promotes unequal treatment of humans. Imagine if it was a race that wasn’t allowed to play an instrument. I think people may have seen the sexism point more clearly then, as a person is a person no matter the age, sex, or race. Culture shouldn’t be used as an excuse to facilitate unequal treatment of humans. There are so many positive aspects of culture that can be preserved and focused on. The reality is that letting go of the unequal parts should be looked at as positive growth in a society. After all, the more the merrier!

What do you think, should culture shield inequality?

When baby animals in the wild play, they are developing skills to use as an adult. Humans are no different. The first five or so years of a child’s life are vital for brain development. If you have ever followed stories on children who have had severe neglect in their early years, you see the evidence. They often times have brain damage, and much of it quite severe. The brain in the early years is deciding what brain cells (neurons), to keep, and which to discard (prune out). The brains cue is by what is used. The “use it or lose it” saying holds very true. If, for example, you cover a child’s eyes in these early years (or keep them in the dark), so they may not use their sight, they will eventually lose their sight forever. The brain has a critical point at which it locks in what you have, typically around age five. Once that point has come, aspects are locked in place, and it can be very difficult to go back and regain any lost abilities.

What does that mean. It means that everything you do in those first five years is very important to brain development, and what you do helps shape the brain permanently. Toys play a critical role, after all isn’t that what children spend a large part of their time playing with? If your child spends a lot of time playing with puzzles, Lego’s, books, tools, games, blocks and other toys that involve critical thinking skills, wouldn’t it make sense then that brain development be strongest in those areas of the brain? Can you see how this can impact gender development? Girls are going to develop strong areas in the brain involving care taking and nurturing (dolls), house keeping (kitchen sets, play vacuums), and fashion (Barbie’s, and dress-up clothes). Boys on the other hand are going to strengthen, problem solving skills (Lego’s/building toys and tools), and aggression (action figures). Boy toys strengthen critical thinking skills, which in today’s world is highly valued. Colleges often state that as a goal of their teachings (critical thinking skills). Girl toys strengthen emotional and social skills.

Of course, children will continue to shape their brain past these years, however, the first five have been shown to be critical, and permanent. Therefore, toys and play at all the ages of development should get more thought then parents often give them. Play is not a luxury, and parents need to be more aware of how important their choices really are. You are training, and communicating to the brain what it needs to be successful to survive. When you use parts of the brain often, that communicates the message that this is a NEEDED aspect, and to grow this area more. The brain is not going to keep around unnecessary information, or put extra growth (added dendrites) in areas it’s not utilizing, and on the same token, it’s not going to discard something it uses consistently. The brain wants to be efficient, use it or lose it. Brain real estate is expensive, the brain isn’t about to be wasteful.

We need to remember that children need balance for success and happiness in life. No matter your child’s gender, give them the gift of balance, build critical thinking skills, and a great emotional and social intelligence.

Toys I recommend for BOTH sexes.

Lego’s (girls like pirates and castles too), Dolls, Blocks, trucks (what child doesn’t like things that roll), doll houses, puzzles, play-doh, sticker books, maze/dot-to-dot and puzzle books, BOOKS, dress-up costumes, arts and crafts, kitchen and play food, board games, music, puppets, tinker toys, lincoln logs, view master, train sets, music supplies (symbols, maracas, kazoo, bells, piano, etc), toy creatures (bugs/animals/dinosaurs), and marble maze sets (marbles go through elaborate mazes you piece together).

I believe one of the biggest challenges for overcoming sexism today is the idea that gender traits for male and females are innate. This idea poses a major problem, because if people believe a trait is innate, then they feel they have no control over the issue. If they feel they have no control over the issue, then the issue goes on unresolved forever, they give up. There can be no positive growth in this frame of mind. They think, “why bother, we have nothing we can do, no control”. Often times negative issues having to do with gender aren’t even recognized as problems, because no one has even thought about it, as they feel there is no point, it’s out of their control. There is however new insight that is starting to reveal that our DNA isn’t the only boss in our destiny, environment has a role as well, which in turn means we too have a say. This new area of study is called epigenetics.

So what is Epigenetics? Epigenetics is the idea that a genes EXPRESSION can be manipulated by OUTSIDE FORCES in the environment, while, the DNA itself is never altered. It’s like a switch that can be manipulated on a gene. It can activate the gene to varying degrees. Meaning, a gene expression can be turned on or off, or made to be softer or louder. Furthermore, these changes in genetic expression can continue for many generations of offspring. So even if the offspring was never exposed to the trigger in the environment, it can still express the effects. Bottom line, your environment can influence your DNA, which effects your life. We do have control!

We once thought the key to solving many human illnesses and diseases was in the human genome project (decoding human DNA), but have increasingly been coming to the realization that the real clues are more likely hidden in our epigenome.

So what does this mean for gender? It means many things, but most of all it means that our environment can effect our gender-related traits from a genetic standpoint, and that we do have control. With that being said, it puts into question which gender traits are actually innate? What are we truly born with as males and females? How much influence does the environment actually have on our gender traits?  Are males and females genetically destined to be one way? It sets into motion questions such as if women are necessarily genetically programmed to be highly emotional, or if men are genetically determined to be aggressive. It brings about so many questions. One big question it brings to mind is, just how accurate are gender studies that did not take epigentics into consideration.

For a study to be accurate it needs to have control on all variables except the one to be studied. How would you control for environment?

But, the biggest question of all is, what do we do with this information, and how will it shape the future of our world?

What would the world be like if there was no such thing as crying. Personally, I think the world would really be missing out on a wonderful expression of emotion. It would be like a roller coaster ride without the fall after the climb. Crying plays so many important roles in life. From cleansing the sole, to opening the heart, it forms bonds, it communicates to others, it soothes the soul, and lets us feel deeper. Crying is infectious. Tears add dimension, and enrichment. There’s something about that expression of emotion that just makes you feel so alive, it can be almost addicting. Some of my favorite movies, and music have plunged me into tears, and then brought me back to life. Tears inspire me, and challenge me. Life’s most precious moments are often graced with the presence of tears. Tears come in all sorts of styles, from the sobbing blur, to the tender little drop that slowing melts down your nose. Some try to hide their tears, while others couldn’t hide them if they wanted. But with all this variety there is one common thread, tears are raw, pure, genuine, and come from deep within the crevice of the soul.

So, then, I often wonder, why is it that crying often times is given a bad reputation? Many people believe crying is a vulnerable, and weak trait, a reason why women can get away with it in society, unlike a man. In fact, I commonly hear the saying  someone is “crying like a girl”, as an insult. But, the way I see it, if crying didn’t exist the world would be at a great loss. What would the birth of a child be without it, or a hard earned success be like without a tear of joy (perhaps an olympic gold medal moment) Of course, there is a time and place for everything, and there’s also a healthy balance. But, I often see crying insulted on occasions where I see no violation of this criteria.

And additionally, is it fair to say that men can’t partake in this expression of emotion? Are they not human? This is an area of inequality that hurts both sexes. Men are human, and to be human is to have feelings, and to be able to express, and share them. When men are boys growing up, they are taught to be tough, not to cry, and to take it like a man. But is that just setting them up for heartache later in life? Do we really want to teach them to repress a part of their humanity? Not only can that hinder future relationships with their wife, but also their children. Their family is cheated, and so are they. Often times, when someone is denied the ability to freely express themselves, it comes out as another emotion, such as anger. And this translation can be terribly destructive. Additionally, withholding emotion can adversely effect ones health. Women typically can cry more openly, but at a price as well, albeit a different price. Women are labeled as weak and emotional innately, therefore, gaining a free pass to cry more often. Sadly, if a woman of power, such as a politician cries, she may be labeled weak, and emotional, and no longer looked at with respect in a power position. But if a male in that format does the same, it is often overlooked, and he is given the benefit of the doubt. This is interesting, because men are typically shunned from crying, yet, they are given exceptions at times.

I am often touched when I see moments played out in people where they share a tear. It makes them more real to me. Expression of emotion with a tear can be a great added cue to judge how genuine a person is about a moment, and even give you a glimpse into their personality, and values. Not that someone cannot feel these emotions to the same depth without a tear shed, but it can add a certain unspeakable passion in the air. And when you witness a person’s chin quivering, holding back those tears so hard, until one just sneaks over the lid, like a dam breaking, you just can’t help but be touched.

Hopefully after reading this, you’ll see new insights into tears, and respect what they have to offer us all, male, and female. And next time you laugh so hard you cry, you’ll think back to this article and smile.

They say ignorance is bliss, and I have to admit, there are times I wonder, but in reality, awareness truly is the beginning of hope, change, and history being made. Awareness is the first step in growing, and soaring to new heights. It empowers us, enlightens us, and leads us to our goals. It refreshes the soul, and opens the mind up to other possibilities. For me, awareness is a thrill I cannot get enough of, a thirst I cannot quench. It inspires me, amazes me, and fills me with passion.

As creators of the Mankini Revolution, my friend and I truly hope that, at a minimum, you gain some awareness about gender inequality, and leave our site a little more understanding of the issues men and women face. And when you go back out into the world of hustle and bustle, you will keep this awareness alive, and see for yourself the issues we speak of. Watch, look, ask, and study. They say “the truth will set you free”, and awareness is the beginning of finding that truth. A truth that has the potential to help so many lives, men, women, and children. A truth that will help everyone live a life truly being who they feel they were born to be.

So with this being said, we ask you to step out of the darkness, and look with us at the light at the end of the tunnel. While awareness isn’t always pretty, we promise, that what is at the end of this journey is nothing short of breathtaking. Please join us in this journey, and be apart of the Mankini Revolution. We would be honored to have you with us!

On this page, we will post links to articles about some of the latest Scientific and Psychological Studies that challenge what people have believed to be true about Gender and Female Sexuality.  Please submit additional links by Commenting below.

Biology

Sex Hormones

Fathers Can Suffer from Post Partum Depression Too

Testosterone Makes People More Selfish, Only if they think it does

Birth Control Pill Can Cause Long Term Loss of Sex Drive Studies have linked the birth control pills testosterone inhibiting function, with significant long term, loss of libido, that continues even after one has stopped taking the pill. These effects include diminished sexual interest and arousal, suppression of female initiated sexual activity, and decreased frequency of sexual intercourse and enjoyment. The role the pill plays in creating and increasing stereotypical female behaviors needs to be recognized and further explored.

Genetics

Scientists find single ‘on-off’ gene that can change gender traits.

Neurology

Our Brains have a status Quo Bias

Animal Behavior and Gender

Male Species That Are Primary Caretakers of Offspring

Psychology and Sociology

Relationships

Men\’s and women\’s differences in jealousy are the result of attachment style, not biology

Healthier Women Prefer Less Masculine Male Faces

As Working Dad\’s Are Becoming More Involved In Parenting, Dad\’s Are Experiencing Even More Work-Family Conflict Than Moms.

Breaking Up Is More Emotionally Difficult for Men Than Women

Cheating

Women Who Cheat

Why men cheat article

Sexual Behaviors

Gender equality leads to more fulfilling sexual relationship

Studies of Female Sexuality Are Inaccurate A lot of what has been “known” about female sexuality has been learned from self reporting and new study shows that women are dishonest in self reports on sex due to social stigma.

It\’s Not Uncommon for Women to Experience Orgasm While Breastfeeding

Media

How Profoundly Are We Influenced By the Media

Gender and Behavior

Men Whine More Than Women When Sick

14 Reasons to Support the Mankini Revolution

1. Men’s bodies are just as attractive as women’s. If you have any doubts, check out our advertisement and magazine reviews.
2. We can’t rid the world of sexual content, nor should we. People are sexual beings, and with the accessibility of the Internet, and other forms of media, the amount of sexually explicit material is on the rise.  A more realistic approach is to level the playing field.  Only then can women and men work together to create an atmosphere of equality and respect.
3. To put women on equal footing with men. When so much importance is placed on a woman’s appearance, a woman’s value decreases with age.  A man’s value is more achievement based and continues to increase with success and experience.   As a result, few women are able to get ahead and stay ahead when it comes to status, income, or influence.
4. When it comes to sexual arousal, women care more about being wanted by a man than their own desire for the man or for an orgasm. This was found in a study presented on Oprah by female sex therapist Dr. Marta  Meana.  Perhaps this is why it’s said that women rarely want sex!
5. The amount of time, energy and money women spend on appearance greatly exceeds that of men, thereby hindering equality. As Dr. Marta Meana noted on Oprah, “If you look at how women behave and what we spend our time and energy and lots of money on, it’s on desire-creating behaviors rather than on trying to get sex.”  In fact, women in their 20’s on average spend about half of their income in an effort to maintain or improve their attractiveness.  Women go to extreme measures in attempt to improve and perfect their looks.  The rate of cosmetic surgery and procedures continues to increase.  It’s impossible for women to gain financial equality while so much time and energy is spent obsessing with appearance, and when spending money on beauty is more of a priority than financial investment.
6. People overestimate the biological differences between men and women. Due to the extent female sexual behavior is influenced by societal pressures and repression, people’s perception of female sexuality is inaccurate.  Because of the stigma involved women are often less than forthcoming about their sexual thoughts and behaviors and minimize them.  There’s a reason why so many more women than men admit sexual attraction to the same sex.  If gay sex between men were as frequently considered a turn on for women, and if the vast majority of the sexual images we saw during our lifetime were of men, it’s likely that bisexual behaviors in men would increase.    Women report experiencing the highest interest in sex and enjoying sex the most in their later years, often beginning in their 30’s and 40’s, as their capacity to bear children decreases and menopause starts.  This does not make sense from a biological standpoint, but occurs because it often takes that long for women to become comfortable with their sexuality.
7. Testosterone levels of both sexes rise and fall depending on activity and environment. The testosterone level of both sexes increase in situations that are competitive or require aggression, and decrease in situations when nurturing is required.  More men play sports and work in high pressure environments, while more women are the primary caretakers for children, but this is changing.
8. The pressure to be beautiful hurts women’s mental and physical health. Women experience poor body image, eating disorders, anxiety about aging, and related problems at a much greater rate then men.  When women are busy looking at how others view them and comparing themselves to other women, this contributes to the problem.
9. Young girls that participate in risky sexual behavior report that they do it for attention from boys. Increasing numbers of teenage girls are sharing nude photos of themselves and engaging in risky sexual behaviors, not for their own pleasure, but because they want to be liked and get attention from boys.  Girls would be less likely to disrespect themselves if they believed that the sexes had equal value.
10. Women make up over half the population. If women are committed to achieving equality, we have the ability to make it happen.  We need to become aware of our own behaviors that contribute to sexism, change them, and support one another.
11. Women are less happy then men later in life, even though they start out as the happier sex. See number 1-10 for explanation.
12. Although woman fear that looking at men in a sexual manner will give men free reign to objectify women, the opposite will likely occur. First, there’s little indication that men are currently restraining themselves.  Many men lack the ability or incentive to empathize with how their girlfriends or wives feel if they have a wondering eye, frequent strip clubs, or have a pornography habit.  After all, the common belief is “that’s what guys do.”  If women showed similar interest and had similar opportunity, men would no longer have the “boys will be boys” excuse, and would have more incentive to control their own behavior.
13. We have become too educated to continue to ignore the truth.
14. There will be more harmony in the world when all are treated equally. Every human being is entitled to equal treatment, especially when it comes to characteristics such as sex, race, or orientation that are outside of their control.  Inequality creates distrust, envy, and resentment, which affect one’s ability to be all they can be.

What you can do to support the Mankini Revolution

1. Become aware of your own behaviors that contribute to sexism and change them. Sexist stereotypes are so ingrained in us, most of us have to make a real effort to become aware of, and change our own thoughts and behaviors that contribute to sexism.       
2. Vote with your wallet. Spend money on products and services that promote gender equality.  Don’t spend money on magazines, movies, etc, that use gender stereotyping or sexualize women to a much greater extent than men. Businesses will change in accordance with demand.  Demand that the media and women’s magazines display more images of attractive men and of women that are admired for their intellect and success, rather then appearance.  While men’s magazines focus on what men desire, like attractive women and gadgets, the women’s magazines also focus on what men desire.  When women spend so much time and money on beauty, little is left for hobbies and gadgets.  Bookmark our Reviews and weekly recommendations (under recent blog posts) for media suggestions.
3. Don’t be afraid to make a scene. Worry less about fitting in.  Take a stand when you hear offensive statements and witness offensive behaviors.  Stick up for other women when sexist statements are made.
4. Demand Change. Write letters and speak your mind.  You have more power then you realize.
5. Look at the big picture. Don’t focus on the exceptions to the rule and fool yourself into thinking sexism is a thing of the past.
6. Band Together.  While other oppressed groups band together, women too often bring each other down.  Give women the benefit of the doubt.  Trust women.  Don’t criticize women for how they look.  Don’t go after another woman’s man.
7. Make a Statement with your clothing and accessories.  Wear Mankini Revolution merchandise.

A girl is born with all the eggs she will ever have in her life. In fact, at about twenty weeks gestation she has the most eggs she will ever have, a whooping 6 to 7 million! However, much of those will self-destruct through programmed cell death (apoptosis) before birth and in the years before she begins puberty.When she reaches puberty roughly 400,000 eggs will remain. As she ages after puberty the egg cells will continue to die, however, at a much slower rate, and the remaining ones that she has left will disintegrate back into her body when she reaches menopause. It is said that at most 450 eggs are utilized for ovulation and given the chance at life. This number varies according to onset of menstruation, how many births a woman has, and other factors such as utilization of birth control.

The egg or oocyte is a miraculous tiny little bundle of sheer potential. It’s the largest cell in the human body (about 100 micrometers in diameter) making it just visible to the naked eye in the right lighting. Its size has been compared to that of a single baby hair poking through a piece of paper, but don’t let its small size fool you, this little egg can pack a punch. Its amazing properties are what gave Dolly, the famous cloned sheep, her very existence. In other words, Dolly’s DNA would not have prospered in any other cell (cloning involves replacing the nucleus of an egg cell with the nucleus of another individual) . The only mammalian cell that can grow a new life is an egg cell. Dolly may be a sheep, but this is true for human cloning as well. In fact, as we speak scientists in the US are attempting to crack the cloning code for a human, and have gotten to the embryo stage thus far before it died. Whether you approve or not, it’s only a matter of time before they work out the kinks, which they believe may have something to do with the chromosomes getting disrupted during the transfer from one cell to the other, thus preventing them from aligning properly during cell division.

Events of early reproduction have been said to be the most complex and least understood in human biology. However science has been able to reveal some of the bodies close guarded details on early conception. For all the glory of conception to begin, it first has to take advantage of a very small window of opportunity. This is because once an egg is released by an ovary it has just 24hrs to be fertilized before it dies. When an egg is released from an ovary it is propelled through the fallopian tube via the beating of hairlike structures called cilia. The egg does not move on its own. Once sperm is released into the vagina it takes about 15 minutes for sperm to reach the egg. But before sperm can reach the egg for fertilization they first have to jump through some of nature’s inventive hoops. The first of which begins right at the  front door of the uterus, the cervix. The cervix has shown in studies to be a “biological filter.” The mucous in the cervix accomplishes this by giving the abnormally shaped sperm greater resistance then the normally shaped sperm. Once sperm accomplish the plethora of obstacles on the way to the egg, it then has to be the first sperm to tear through the finish line and claim its prize, the gleaming egg. Nature has a method it uses to “lock the eggs door” once a sperm attaches to the egg. This is to ensure that only one sperm is able to fertilize the egg. The lock-down of the egg is crucial for the cells survival, because if more then one sperm does enter the egg (polyspermy), then abnormal development will ensue and the embryo will die.

Interestingly, biology seems to never let us down in complexity, and creativity. One can only imagine what other wonders we have yet to discover in this stunning, and magical process we call life.

Recently I decided to ask my boss for a raise.  I’ve been at my current position for two years and have taken on increasing responsibility.  I have come to realize that no one is going to approach me and ask whether I’d like to be paid more.  I’m going to have to initiate that conversation.

Asking for a raise can be a nerve-racking experience.  Considering it has caused me to wonder whether women in general experience more reluctance when it comes to asking for a raise, and the effect of differences in the social conditioning of men and women on pay.

The thing that causes me the most stress about asking for a raise is that if by chance I am denied, I’m afraid I would feel under-appreicated and quickly become much less satisfied with my job.  This concern seems to be unrelated to gender.  But, when it comes to gender, how often is the higher salary of men simply because men are more likely to ask for more money?  Are women generally less assertive when it comes to requesting a raise, and if so, why?  Can women decrease the pay gap simply by becoming aware of and by changing their own behavior?

Women may feel less of a sense of entitlement to, less necessity for, or less worthy of higher pay.  Based on some of the studies I’ve  blogged about, women of an equal level of competence to men tend to feel significantly less confident in their abilities in comparison to their male counterparts, which could easily account for a decreased sense of entitlement.  Another factor that I imagine plays a role is that men are socially conditioned to attach more of their self-worth to their earnings and feel more pressure to be the primary breadwinner.  This alone would explain an increased willingness to sacrifice more in order to do what it takes to maxamize pay.  In addition it explains why men more aggressively seek higher paying jobs and promotions.

Even without blatant gender discrimination, some employers must hire women because they believe women will work for less money and be less willing to require more money in the future.  What do you think?

Update: Well, I asked for the raise.  As a expected, it wasn’t the most comfortable conversation.  In fact, I didn’t get an answer right away, so I did experience some of the emotions I had anticipated.  But, I got the raise, and now I’m sure glad I asked!

Interestingly, this season of the Bachelorette  (with Ali Fedotowsky) is proving to be just as filled with drama, fights, and tears as the last season of The Bachelor (with Jake Pavelka). It seems the true denominator between The Bachelor/Bachelorette is the competitors humanity. Whether you are male or female, you react to the environment you are in. When it comes to love, and competition for love, humans react with a lot of emotion. There will always be a few that are quiet, a few that are aggressive, and a few that are emotional. This has nothing to do with the sex of the person, but instead has to do with the humanity they all have, and the environment that puts this humanity to the test. This rings true for all the past seasons of this popular dating show.

The parallels the two seasons have thus far are striking to say the least. Both seasons have a “villain” that none of the other contestants like (and that’s putting it lightly). And in both seasons the “villain” sneaks away to see the bachelorette/bachelor in secret. The seasons also have the common thread of large amounts of tears and emotion. In the last episode of The Bachelorette (6/7/10) there was at least 3 men that cried. In fact, one of the men cried twice on that episode, and is ironically an entertainment wrestler named “Rated R.” Which brings me to my last thought/question. If women truly are the emotional sex, then why is it that when men and women are put in similar environments, the men appear to show just as much emotion and tears as the women? Could the true difference in society between the sexes have more to do with environment, and less to do with the sex of the person?

Updates:

Week of 6/14- This week appears to be no different then the last in the drama and tears department. Once again men are shedding tears. This week two men were heartbroken. One was sent into tears because he wasn’t given a rose and was sent packing. Of course, before he was let go he poured his heart into a serenade for Ally on the guitar. This season it seems many men are pulling out the song card and attempting to win over Ally with a beat or two. Obviously, Ally wasn’t smitten. Apparently this weatherman better keep his day job!

The other heartbroken fella was told he didn’t seem sincere and  genuine. He had tried desperately to swoon her with improvisational singing, and sappy linguistics and one liners. However, Ally was not head-over-heels like he had hoped. Therefore, to further woo her and prove his sincerity and motives he went to a tattoo parlor (something he has never done) and got a shield and hearts tattoo on his wrist. The tattoo symbol was in reference to his line that he repeats over and over during the show that he wants to “guard and protect her heart.” Perhaps he hasn’t realized yet that she can do that for herself. Ally’s a big girl now! I find it striking that the man is doing endless “romantic gestures”, yet the female is not falling. I guess Ally doesn’t want to hop on the white stallion with these fellas! This doesn’t seem to fit the love stories I’ve been told all my life?

Week of 6/21- While there wasn’t as many tears this week there was still plenty of drama. Justin, the entertainment wrestler seems to still be stirring things up a bit. This week Justin’s ego seemed to be boiling over. All through the program his eyes looked sly and his grin looked sinister, enough to make my spine shiver. In my opinion it is quite clear that Justin really is in it for the competition and exposure. During this episode he speaks twice about how the minute your competitor shows “fear in his eyes, take’m out.” He was also referring to Ally as if she was some trophy to be won, using the statement that when you win at the end you hold your “championship belt, or in this case Ally, up in the air.” Justin also made the comment about thinking he did a good job about saying all the things he “had” to say to Ally. Towards the end Justin made a comment that struck me as odd and unnerving, he stated that there was actually two roses given out, one to Justin, and one to Rated R, and then ended that statement with a very evil laugh. The bottom line for me, I have a bad feeling about this guy. Give me a shout out if you do too!!!

Meanwhile, Casey (the one who got the tattoo), was falling apart at the seams stating that if he gets sent home it’s going to “destroy” him. His intense nature seemed to be working against him. On one instance he was confiding his pain to another man in the house, and said he got his tattoo “to be someone, and to be a man, to be a man for Alley, to be a man for that woman.” While I think his heart was in the right place, he continually treats her as if she needs a man to come save her and take care of her. Women are not weak, little, pretty things in need of care and assistance. We can stand on or own two feet. I think Ally has done great thus far on being assertive, and taking care of herself. In fact, prior to the show she was fully immersed in her career, single, and living far from her family. It seems to me that Casey is operating on stereotypes of women. One being that women go crazy for sappy romance, and the other being that women are cute little defenseless beings that need the support and protection of a man. Honestly, I think Ally would be the one caring for him. Luckily, Ally did let him go, hence forgoing the safety of Casey’s wing. She mentioned after letting him go that she was 100% positive about her choice with him, meanwhile Casey was perplexed as to what went wrong. I know, a head scratcher considering he did all the things society says should sweep a woman off her feet.

One big “holla out” to all the independent ladies in the world!

Week of 6/28- If you were looking for entertainment this week, the Bachelorette did not disappoint! Right from the opening gate the show had everyone on pins and needles. Of course, Justin the entertainment wrestler, was behind the flurry of drama. Apparently he had a girlfriend back home in Canada, and Ally had the opportunity to speak with her via telephone. Ally found out many disturbing details about Justin, and confronted him about it in front of the other men. It was amusing to say the least. Of course, Justin went running away immediately, and Ally and the camera crew followed. Eventually Justin came back to talk to Ally (after he was able to think up some excuses-which Ally pointed out). Ally’s responses to his excuses were spot on. She saw right through his game, and didn’t let him get away with anything. BRAVO! He attempted to fill her full of lies, but she was not having it. At one point she confronted him about how he had been sneaking away to call his girlfriend during the show, and Justin made this ridiculous exaggerated big eyed face, and repeatedly exclaimed how that just wasn’t true. Yet, oddly enough, when Justin realized he wasn’t going to be fooling this girl, he ran away, and the show played all the taped messages he had left his girlfriend, and he referenced the show many times on those messages. I have to admit, I was cracking up at that point! He certainly made a fool out of himself to say the least!

What was so perfect about that instance, was that we got to see him obviously lying, and then watch him try to talk his way out of it. All too often, someone in a relationship is taking advantage of the other person, and stringing them along. This was an example of how smooth these people can be, and how when you see little things (or big) not adding up you should really listen to your gut, and be careful. Just confronting the person doesn’t always work, because these people are sly, and can give you a lot of reasons to doubt what you think. Bottom line, listen to your gut, and if you get a funny feeling, look for evidence to confront them with. If you raise their awareness too soon they will know to be careful, and catching them in a lie will be that much harder. Be smart with your heart, and be tough if you do find someone that is disrespecting you.

The other part of the show I found interesting was the date with Ty, the southern boy, while I think he’s adorable, I’m very concerned that she kept him. He spoke about how his last marriage failed (he filed) because he wanted his wife to be more traditional, such as not working. Although I like him, I really believe she should not have given him that rose. I just cannot see how someone that ended an entire marriage over this issue just 1 year ago can make a 180 degree change in perspective so quickly. Ally said herself that she is anything but traditional, and I have a feeling that her gut is whispering to her about this issue. Personally, I think Thai would be better off trying to find a girl that shared more of his values. He may want to make a 180 change, but change is a lot easier said then done. I think it’s just too risky. He may have grown from his divorce, but I’m sure some of those beliefs are still present. Also, there’s so many people in this world, why not find that person that has similar values, rather then trying to change you, or the other person, it just adds strain to a relationship.

On a lighter note, I think we need to bring “olive oil wrestling” to America! I think Turkey got it right by making that one of their professional sports! I mean, seriously, men in tight black leather pants rubbed down in olive oil wrestling one another! I couldn’t have written the script for a better sport better myself. I knew there was a reason I liked Turkey! Nonetheless, I think we should start a petition here in America! I’m more then positive is would flourish! Perhaps Jacob and Edward from the Twilight series could get the ball rolling!

This week had olive oil, drama, and some good lessons. The biggest lesson, it’s good to follow your heart, but make sure your gut is right there with ya!!!

Week of 7/5- This week Ali had a one on one date with Roberto, and I have to admit, Roberto has a very sweet quiet personality. I really like him, and of course, he’s not too hard on the eyes either. I’m certain he’ll make it to the end, as to who will be with him, that I’m still not quite sure of. My only concern with Roberto is his quietness. He still has a bit of mystery around him, and I’m not 100% sure what to make of that yet.

The other interesting bit this week was the two on one date with Ali, Frank, and Ty. While I don’t think Ty is the one for Ali (as I mentioned in a previous week), Frank has his own set of issues. Frank once again is having melt downs. The man just cannot seem to pull it together. However, I think Ali has a real spark to her personality, and Frank fulfills that side of her personality very well. The rest of the men aren’t nearly as lively as Frank. I see how she can enjoy that energy from Frank, however, she needs to take into consideration the risk she could be taking in exchange for the excitement Frank would bring her. In my opinion the risk is too big. I think Roberto and Chris L, while not nearly the firecracker that Frank is, are great men that can offer longterm stability, and while they may not be the life of the party, they do have some flair to their personality.

What do you think?

Week of 7/12- This week was an interesting week, as Ali got to meet all the remaining men’s families. But let’s first start off with this week’s highlight of the show, at least for me, and that was Roberto coming out onto the field in his uniform! That certainly has to top my list of Bachelorette “hot” moments! Thanks Roberto!

Now onto the family dates. I have to admit, watching Ali go down into the basement of Kirk’s dad’s house had me chuckling. I’m pretty sure Ali could have done without the peek into his dad’s deep freezer of dead animals. I’m still perplexed as to the point of that excursion, however, it was a bit amusing to say the least for us viewers. I would have to say the family that impressed me the most was Chris L. He seems to be the dark horse of the show. He has really impressed me overall, and surprised me. He and his family have proven to be wonderful people thus far, and I really look forward to seeing more of him. He’s cute, tall, sweet, and genuine. I really like Roberto, and there’s no denying his looks, but I think Chris L. shows more potential for the long term. Ali wants a marriage and kids, and I really think Chris L. would be a wise choice. Roberto may have a bit more sex appeal, but I believe Chris is the whole package. Chris L. has a certain sincerity about him, and his shy smile and cute relationship with his dog Jenny doesn’t hurt either!

As for Frank, his instability mentally and emotionally has raised red flags for me. I think she would be wise to weed him out. I’m concerned that in the long term Frank wouldn’t work out. Throughout the entire show he has consistently been distraught and distressed emotionally. I feel as though there has been more focus on “him”, then on “them.” I think he has a really fun side to his personality, and that’s why Ali has kept him up to this point. But his fun and zany side can only take a relationship so far, and it seems that on the flip side he becomes too over-emotional and serious, causing undue stress on the relationship.

So, as we anxiously await the next episode of The Bachelorette, lets all keep in mind some of the past show highlights: Men in tight leather pants olive oil wrestling, and Roberto running onto the field in his uniform!

Week of 7/19: I have to admit, I really like both guys. They are both sweet, cute, genuine men. If I had to pick one I’d personally pick Chris L. I think he’s adorable, and I love his family. Also, I really like his values. I feel more confident that he would be around for the long term.

As for Frank this week. While what he did was selfish, I at least have to give him credit for facing her. I can see what happened from many angles, and I do think sometimes people get themselves into situations where they realize perhaps they are still not over a past partner. I’m glad he did the tough choice, and left the show. I’m also happy that he told her himself, and let Ali have her emotions at him. But what I’m most impressed with is how Ali handled it. All too often when someone breaks our heart we want to beg for them to come back. Our emotions run so strong in us that we just don’t want to let go. The pain can be unbearable, especially when the break-up is not on your terms. This is the ironic part, because obviously something is wrong if this is happening in the relationship, yet, we still want to continue with a dysfunctional relationship. We’d rather be with that person in a less then ideal situation, and sacrifice part of ourselves, then find what we really deserve in life. Ali had the strength to recognize how bad she wanted to run after him and change his mind, and then refrain. Of course, the two hot guys awaiting her probably helped ease her pain, however, it doesn’t change the fact that we should all try to refrain from trying to continue relationships that aren’t meant to be, which in the end causes us even greater pain.

My advice, try your best to ignore your emotions, and use your rational side to guide you. Think about the advice you’d give someone else, and then take it yourself. Don’t self-justify acts that will hurt you later. Have a SHORT pity party, and then get on with that fabulous life of yours!  Yes, it’s tough, but soon enough you’ll be meeting new prospects, and with the potential for the happiness you deserve.

I should note that my point isn’t that a man shouldn’t have emotions, be dramatic, or cry. In fact, I fully promote human emotion for both sexes. My message is that if you truly take a look at humans, you will see that men and women both react emotionally to their environment when given cause. What truly separates their actions is environment, public expectations and pressure, and our own biased eyes.

Pay attention to this season of The Bachelorette. If you notice other instances like this, or any other examples you’d like to illuminate, please feel free to comment. We’d love to hear from you.

One of the strangest stories I’ve come across in the news this week is this: Powerful Saudi clerics have directed Saudi Arabian women to breastfeed male acquaintances and colleagues at their request.  Why?  There is a strict Islamic law practiced in Saudi Arabia that prevents non-related men and women from spending time together.  There is one way to get around this law–breastfeeding a non-relative gives them relative-like status.  There is another strict rule against a man having sexual contact with a woman who has breastfed him, so the apparent logic is that that law will keep otherwise out of control male sexual impulses in check.  Interesting logic, huh?  I haven’t heard the clerics solution for non-lactating women.  Clerics disagree on whether the men should be allowed to drink the milk directly from a woman’s breast or from a glass.

Read more on this story at http://www.aolnews.com/world/article/saudi-clerics-advocate-adult-breast-feeding/19504280

Evolutionary psychologists have been very successful in their efforts to convince the masses that gender stereotypes are based on innate traits, supported by science.  According to evolutionary psychologists, certain stereotypical gender traits have been in place since the stone age, haven’t changed significantly since, and won’t change much in the future.  Evolutionary psychology provides a dim view for those of us interested in progress.

Some of the most common premises of evolutionary psychology are that: men are innately promiscuous and are naturally attracted to youth and beauty, while women are naturally monogamous, and seek older men with money and status.  (i.e. Men can’t help but to sleep around, especially if they have a chance with a hot, younger women.  Even when a woman does pin down a man, it is not realistic to expect him not to look at or lust for other women.  Evolutionary psychologists make marriage and monogamy sound like a piece of cake for women though.  Naturally, one man fulfills all of our desires.  Women never have a strong urge or desire to look at or be touched by any man other than their aging husband.)

These narrow views of gender conflict with the experiences of many women.  Monogamy is not the default status for women, it is a conscious decison that a woman makes and puts ongoing effort into maintaining.  Further, these views of evolutionary psychologists leave little room for the possibility of change over time, for individual differences in preference or behavior, or for alternative explanations.

Evolutionary psychologists say that women are not only monogamous by nature, but have significantly lower sex drives than men.  Alternative explanations for women’s behavior are ignored-women are universally punished if they act contrary to this belief and the effect that such punishment has on our behavior.  If a woman’s sex drive is naturally so low, why do men worldwide go to such great lengths to control it, while doing nothing to stifle male sexual behavior?  One study relied on by evolutionary psychologists to support this theory is that when men and women were surveyed about whether they would immediately go home with an attractive stranger to have sex with them, men said yes while women said no.  The practical consequences for women, of engaging in such behavior, are neglected- women fear bodily harm from strange men and risk negative social consequences in a way that men do not.

We’ve learned that men are naturally promiscuous.  They are meant to spread their seed, to impregnate as many women as possible.  This is rarely questioned.  The problem with his theory is that it does not even appear to be the best reproductive strategy if one’s goal is to successfully impregnate as many women as possible, especially if the man wants to ensure he has impregnated the women.  A women is only fertile for a few days a month, and a man has no way of knowing when she’s fertile.  Even if by chance the woman is fertile, conception is far from certain, and even with conception, there is a 30% chance of miscarriage.  It appears that statistically speaking intercourse with one woman several times, while monopolizing her attention would be a more effective strategy.

If you want to ensure that traditional gender roles remain, it makes sense to abide by the theories of evolutionary psychology.  However, if you are a man or women who is tired of being confined by traditional ideas of gender, you may find those ideas unhelpful and unnecessary.  Especially when gender differences in behavior can be explained much more simply in the following way: throughout history men and women have fullfilled roles based on what was most efficient at that time.  At the beginning of time, men’s superior size and strength and women’s condition of giving birth and breast feeding offspring were important considerations.   Today these characteristics are much less limiting and determinative, but as with anything else, old habits are hard to break.

The more you read about scientific studies, the more you realize they have very real limitations and misgivings, indeed they are done by humans. Here’s a list of some of the shortcomings that scientific studies can have. From here on out you can bear these in mind whenever you hear or read about findings from research studies on gender, or really any study for that matter. Some of these faults can be discovered by looking further into the data about the study, others unfortunately we cannot uncover quite so easily, as the researcher doesn’t always supply the appropriate data (purposeful or not).

1) The File Cabinet Dilemma-Over Reporting Positive Results: This problem is due to the notion that often times people only report positive results that show a sex difference, thus not publishing less interesting outcomes. This is where the name comes from, as people essentially “file” the negative results away. This is especially problematic in the gender area of psychological study because these areas of question are easily, and routinely assessed in many clinics. Statistically speaking this is deceitful because most psychological studies go by the the statistical rule that there can be a 5% probability that data gained could be by chance. In other words, 1 in 20 of the studies on differences in the sexes will have positive results by chance. What if the first 19 studies came up negative but were never reported? This is one of the reasons it’s important to have many studies supporting a difference in the sexes. If a large percentage of people are only publishing positive results then an incorrect picture can be painted. This act of not reporting negative results can make something that is actually rare, and by chance, look common, and the norm.

2) Researcher Bias: Because the nature of gender study is riddled with opinions and stereotypes, it can be difficult or near impossible for a researcher to not have some of their perceptions effect their research. Their mind is going to automatically pick up on certain behaviors easier then others. This is how the human mind operates. Other areas of research do not have these strong opinions involved (such as studying how language develops), but everyone is effected by gender, and everyone, even researchers, have stereotypes about the sexes that they draw from when navigating through life.

3) Sample Size Limited: Many studies on gender have very limited pools of people to study from. This can be due to various reasons. One such reason is ethical issues. Studies that have to do with aggression or hormones can be difficult to pursue ethically. Because of this ethical limitation many studies on sex and gender differences are done through people who already have hormonal disorders (such as CAH, CAIS, IHH, Turner Syndrome, and children exposed to the synthetic hormone DES prenatally). This however poses a new problem because that sampling of people is very small and limited, therefore making study sample sizes very small. Many of these studies have fewer then 20 people in them, some as little as 7 people. Not a lot of people when you think about the results of this small group being generalized to the entire population. Do you think the average results of 7 people would say something about who you are?

4) Sample Bias: When reading about a study it’s always good to find out where their sample came from. If studies on the same subject matter are getting differing results there is the possibility that the pool from which they recruit could be the culprit. For example, some studies have recruited from support groups which oftentimes have very obvious stances (such as an intersex support group). This sample would obviously be tainted with a very heavy bias, nonetheless, some studies use these methods of recruiting. Many studies, because of ethics, have to recruit people by letting people self-select themselves to join a study. This also imparts bias because certain people are more likely then others to join a study. It isn’t a “random” sample. Many hormone studies find recruits this way.

5) Some Studies Outdated: While many studies are timeless, there are some drawbacks to tests dating back many decades or more. Oftentimes there are many new technologies out that one can utilize for more accurate research results. Also, new research and discoveries may impact the way the original research was conducted, or calculated. The bottom line is that society and science grow at an exponential speed, and it’s a given that some of these studies are going to be outdated. Nonetheless, people oftentimes still make decisions based on data that has outlived its welcome.

6) Not Reporting Additional Tests, Overlooking Spurious Statistics: There are endless ways in which statistics can be “tinkered” with in order to produce a picture that fits the mold you want. Sadly, many studies can get away with this because there are so many loop holes statistically, and some things depend on honesty. One statistical problem with gender studies is that some studies do not report how many measures they were studying in their research. For example, they may be doing a battery of tests on a particular difference between the male and female brain, and only report the 2 tests that had results that showed any differences. They would not disclose the other tests that came out negative. Therefore eliminating the statistical calculations that needed to be done to see if these results could have been by chance. As mentioned in the first problem, there needs to be a statistical value, such as 5%, to calculate probability for chance results, and all measures being studied need to be reported in order to get a clear and correct overview. Chance can happen within a study (many measures being studied and one may come out positive), and chance can happen between many of the same outside tests (many facilities may be studying the same idea, and by chance some may come out positive, such as the 1 in 20). The latter pertaining to the first research problem I listed.

7) Measurements Used for Gender Research are Not Standardized: In research it is very important to have reliable and consistent ways to measure differences, in other words, standards for every researcher to go off of. It can be very difficult to measure the psychological characteristics of a human because the processes and thoughts cannot be measured directly. Because of this, there are no standard forms of measurement, therefore,  scientists utilize many different practices. And many of these researchers have opinions that differ on what practices are more legitimate and correct. Much of the research on men and women pertains to thoughts and behaviors that are not easily measured. This in turn puts much of the research about the sexes at risk of faulty data. How would you compare data on height if it were measured with many different tools? And would all of these tools be used correctly, and with the same amount of precision?

8) Species Differences: Many studies utilize data obtained from rats and other species to then draw conclusions about humans. This is not an appropriate assumption, because major species differences have been demonstrated. Humans are especially different in hormone influences. Some of the hormone aspects that can be different from species to species are the time in development when hormones are influential, the specific hormones involved, or the behaviors the hormones influence. Also, if you were to look at the brain of a human compared to any other species, you would see the importance of not generalizing them to us. The brain of a human has a dramatically more developed cerebral cortex (the basis for our higher mental processes) then any other mammal, especially the rat, which happens to be one of the most used species in gender research (particularly hormone research). Furthermore, because humans have such a highly developed cortex (the hallmark of humans) is is likely that our brains and our behaviors are much more heavily influenced by our social and learning environments.

9) Twin Study Draw backs and Misconceptions: The biggest misconception with twin studies started when researchers studying twins for nature vs nurture coined the term “heritability.” This term became popular in mainstream media and was confused with the term “inherited.” People began using the two words interchangeably. This however couldn’t be further from the truth. Heritability is a population term. It tells us something about a population, not an individual. For example, it does not mean that a particular trait is 40% genetic. It simply means that in a population a certain genetic influence is statistically detectable. An individual person is not a population average. One cannot say how long they will live by using the average lifespan of a population. Because of this misconception many twins studies have been translated to the population incorrectly, thus giving people false ideas about how much our genes actually play a role in who we are. The reality is genes have far less say then what misconstrued twin studies imply. Also, genes and environment cannot really be studied apart like people try to do, because they interact. One feeds off the other, and vice versa.

Another problem with twin studies is that while people may be amazed at all the similarities a set of twins have, they don’t realize the endless dissimilarities they have. Statisticians call this “the multiple end point problem.” One can paint a picture by taking all the data that support your thesis, while discarding, or not recognizing the other data.

Yet another problem that people don’t always recognize is that identical twins share other cultural circumstances that help them have similar experiences, even if apart. These may include: age, sex, race, and many others. In fact, one psychologist, W.J. Wyatt did an experiment by matching 50 random unrelated college individuals together (matching age and sex only), and sure enough, there ended up being a set that had uncanny similarities despite never having met.

These are just a few problems with twin studies, there are more.

The fact that twin studies aren’t all they are cracked up to be is of significance because gender is thought of as being an innate programed category. The holes in twin studies help prove the point that environment matters, and that people are also molded by their surroundings. Environment has great pull, and girls and boys aren’t just born, they become. It raises the questions that perhaps people are forced into molds by society, not genetics.

10) Questionnaire Shortcomings: One of the main concerns with questionnaires is the validity of the participants answers. Are they being truthful? People can and do lie on questionnaires. Sometimes they lie on purpose, and other times it is subconscious. Nonetheless, studies that have utilized lie detector tests have demonstrated how people can fabricate the truth. In reference to gender, many people who answer questionnaires feel a need to stick close to gender stereotypes (perhaps for fear of shame and embarrassment). And both sexes in studies have shown deceit in their answers. The lying doesn’t have to be deliberate. People lie to themselves constantly in life, and have false notions about themselves, therefore, indirectly lying to the questionnaires. Another issue is that often times in studies parents fill out the questionnaires about their children, and this opens the door to their perceptions of the child, as they answer through their own biased eyes.

Research on the mammalian brain and behavior has argued against the widely held belief that men are innately programmed to be promiscuous, while women are programmed to be loyal to one partner. The belief held by evolutionary theories is that men evolved to be more sexually promiscuous as an advantage to reproductive success because they could spread their “seed” more. Whereas, women’s advantage lies more with being loyal to one partner, therefore ensuring her offspring, which takes more time and energy for her to produce, survives.

There is one critical flaw in this theory, it assumes that the chromosomes themselves are directly influencing the behaviors of the person. For a behavior or trait to come from the distant cave-man past it has to travel with us somehow. That somehow is hitching a ride on our chromosomes. But scientific studies have been showing a glitch in that theory. What many studies have been revealing is that chromosomes themselves have little to do with behavioral sex differences. In fact, the sex chromosomes carry little, if any direct information for sexual behavior. So if the sex chromosomes aren’t carrying the information to form our male and female brains, then what is? Or, is anything at all from the past shaping our sexual behavior now? Perhaps are current sexual behavior is shaped by just that, our current status and environment.

The role that sex chromosomes do play in sexual brain development is during prenatal development. They tell the embryo’s gonads to develop as either testes or ovaries. From that point the gonad’s hormones tell the baby how to move forward with the development of the brain and behavior in a way that is either differentiated into a boy or a girl. Therefore, if there is an evolutionary basis for development of promiscuity, then it must be derived from the hormones, because the chromosomes only decide which way the gonads will develop. In other words, the gonads are the deciding factor in the brain development of the sexes. The chromosomes role is indirect.

If hormones during prenatal development are the factor shaping our brains into male and female, then promiscuity should be demonstrated through manipulation of hormones with experiments. This would be one way to test the evolutionary hypothesis. Because very little research has been conducted in regards to hormones and promiscuity directly, the only way thus far to look at data into this issue has been through individuals that have developed in atypical hormonal environments. An example would be of people who developed prenatally with a higher then normal male hormone level. From the data on people who have developed in high levels of androgens (the male typical hormones) there is no evidence of  increased sexual activity, or partners. In fact, the data has showed a decrease. In simple terms, more male hormones in prenatal development did not result in more promiscuity. Instead, it often lessoned it. This was true for women in utero exposed to high levels of androgens as well. They too displayed reduced sexual interest.

Another area that is showing conflict with the notion that increased androgens cause promiscuity is that of homosexual men. Homosexual men show extremely high levels of promiscuity, yet their male hormone levels are normal. Furthermore, one theory of homosexuality is that during development they are exposed to reduced levels of androgens. This theory would then be in direct conflict with the fact that promiscuity increases with homosexuality.

Evolutionary biology also ignores present day realities. These realities, such as the the differences in perception between promiscuous men and women, can have a huge impact on human behavior. There are endless studies demonstrating the power of perception. In fact, the “placebo effect” is a perfect example of the power of the mind on behavior. If evolutionary scientists spent more time researching how our environment effects us, and less time on linking us to ancient times, perhaps the new popular and wide held belief would be that we can make a better world for everyone, and that we do have control of ourselves, and our path. We are not puppets to the evolutionary perspective. A perspective that appears to be a dead end thus far in evidence, and in letting us have control of our actions and beliefs.

Amy Goldman Koss, author of the book for teens”The Not-So-Great Depression.” wrote the following article for the Los Angeles Times: “The (well) hidden benefit of aging: Aging boomers may be wrinkled and weary, but who will bother to notice?” As you can see from the title, Koss has an extremely negative view on aging women.  In fact, she even goes so far as to say that older women are the least valued humans on earth and she speaks of her envy of anyone more youthful.  Koss acknowledges that intelligence increases with age, but makes it clear that the sex appeal attributed to female youth is a women’s most important trait.   Koss says nothing about whether a man’s value is affected by his age or whether his desirability matters.  She places all of the pressure to be beautiful on females.

A lot is written on how a female’s value is dependant on her ability to attract sexual attention and diminishes with age, and interestingly, a lot of it is written by women about themselves.  Could you imagine a man assigning himself this fate?  This is the problem with placing so much importance of female youth and beauty.  It fades with time.  Each of us are responsible for the role we play, whether we take part in perpetuating counterproductive beliefs, stand by silently, or speak up in opposition.  Unfortunately too many women have submitted to the “if you can’t beat them, join them” mentality and may not realize what a large role women themselves play in maintaining this way of thinking.  We have fallen into the common trap of oppressed groups- we took over and are doing the oppressors job for them.  If we don’t believe we have anything to offer when we get older, how can we expect men to feel differently?  Women today have enough intelligence, independence, and  influence to put this double standard to rest.

Who actually decides what our value is and whether it goes up or down over time?  Think about it.  It’s our self-determination of our value that plays the largest role in our position and happiness in life.  We generally end up with what deep down we feel we deserve.  Nevertheless, it would help if other women stopped telling each other and the world otherwise.  It’s time to start respecting and appreciating ourselves, and have lower our tolerance for those who say otherwise.

Here is an excerpt from, and summary of, the writing.

“Bursitis, sciatica, loss of bladder control: These are not the ailments of youth. Nor are the other complaints my girlfriends and I discuss over lunch. Add in the self-loathing generated by our complaining, and you start to see the full pathos of the aging baby boomer.

These days, I watch firm, smooth-skinned girls walk by with more lust and envy than my husband does. I want to pinch their perfect flesh. I can no longer discern between a pretty young woman and a homely one. Youth alone has become deliciously beautiful to me.

Ah, if only I had that girl’s body, but could keep my current brain. OK, forget my brain, just give me that body….”

Koss goes on to explain that older women are the humans least likely to be hired or valued, but that her friend the optimist said it helps to start using “little-old-lady cuteness” in place of “cute-girl cuteness” to get your way, for example she got a parking spot by calling an attendant “Honey” and telling him she had a sore hip. The author is not yet ready to embrace her inner granny.  She goes on to write about how a professional friend her age had her feelings hurt because she wasn’t invited to join a group of ladies for lunch at work.  The point being, that even after the looks are lost, the high school-like fear of not being popular remains.

Finally, Koss finds something positive about aging when she has to get dressed up for an event–older women are invisible.  She no longer had to care about what she wore, no one would notice anyway.

Entire article at http://www.startribune.com/opinion/commentary/96924944.html?page=2&c=y

Previously I wrote about The Bachelor Jake’s decision to propose to Vienna in my post Do Men Prefer The Bad Girl? Many believed Jake chose the wrong girl.  According to Jake’s statements, he was looking, first and foremost, for a kind-hearted person, but his actions said otherwise.  He rejected the sweet girl, Tenley, and chose Vienna, the wild girl with the breast implants.  When Jake spoke of the qualities that were most important to him in a future spouse, he spoke of a good heart, loyalty, qualities that matter most in long-term relationships.  I didn’t get the impression that he was being dishonest, but that he intended to approach his search for a wife rationally.  So how did Jake end up with Vienna?  He clearly had the strongest physical attraction to her and he had fun with her.  His  emotions exceeded his ability to think rationality.  There were red flags along the way.  Vienna couldn’t get along with any of the other girls in the house.  She tended to use her sexuality to get what she wanted.  Jake’s parents even confronted Jake with concerns they had about Vienna.  Then, after the show, it came out that Vienna had a wild past.  Rumors spread that she had been a Hooters waitress, stripper, and partier.

Recently Vienna left Jake or Jake left Vienna, depending on what you read.  In her first interview about the break-up in Star Magazine, Vienna says she left Jake because he has refused to have sex with her for the last four months, even though the couple lived together.  (Jake said he left Vienna because she gave this interview).  Apparently Jake gave several different excuses for denying Vienna physical intimacy ranging from he couldn’t have sex because of a spiritual fasting, to he wanted to wait until they were married.  Jake has since been interviewed and does not deny Vienna’s story of sexual rejection.  Vienna made it sound as though the physical relationship was steamy for the first month or so, then things quickly cooled down and Jake began with the excuses.  Vienna said she was unsure of the reason Jake stopped being intimate with her, but said it made her feel like Jake no longer loved her and like she wasn’t good enough for Jake.

We rarely hear stories about men refusing sex. It contradicts the most prevalent stereotype about the male gender, that men are natural predators, and women their prey.  That the only reason men don’t spend their entire lives going from attractive woman to attractive woman having sex is because women won’t allow them to.  Men have strong incentive to act according to this stereotype, or at least pretend they do.  If a man admits he has declined an opportunity to have sex, he’s considered unmasculine or gay.  Sure enough, it didn’t take long for the gay rumors to start.  (See the article below about all those saying Jake must be gay).

I understand that it goes against everything we’ve ever heard about men to think that a straight man might actually turn down sex with an attractive woman, and sure, one possible explanation is homosexuality.  But that’s not the only explanation and from all indications, that’s not what happened here.  What I think happened is that Jake came to his senses.  According to Jake, he didn’t trust Vienna.  After he heard about her past, she maybe didn’t look quite as hot to him.  Before they married, he may even have wanted to make sure there was something between them other then physical chemistry.  Only a very secure man will admit  that there is more to life than sex, but I promise you that the numbers of straight men who have turned down sex by far exceed the number who would admit it to you.  If you have any doubts about this, become a sexually aggressive female and attempt to initiate sex with a variety of men, especially men that have some depth to them, for a significant period of time.  Then report back to us and share your experiences.

Article About Jake\’s Supposed Gay Tendencies

There’s a funny dichotomy to life. From one point of view everything looks so beautiful, crisp, and easy. Yet, from another angle it looks so ugly, dark, and unfair. Oftentimes it can be hard to know what to feel about the world. How does one sift through all this mania?

This beautiful side that I speak of shows itself in a multitude of ways. From the olympic ice skater that makes triple salchows look so easy, to the super model that makes flawless beauty look realistic and attainable. The commercial side of the world is a beast of sorts. It has this way of chewing on reality and spitting it out as something out of the movie Mary Poppins. Everything in ads/commercials, concerts, movies, billboards, TV, and even video games looks so majestic. This virtual world grabs us like a tornado and throws us into the emerald city from the Wizard of OZ. We just walk around in awe soaking up all the unrealistic messages. It can be fun while you are in it. All these positive emotions come soaring to the forefront of our gut. Even when we are told that this world is a fake, we still cannot help but be attracted to those neon flashing lights, like a deer in the headlights, we stay, we believe, and then we struggle.

Then, after we’ve taken all our notes from this industry we come back to reality to put them into effect. This is where the dark side enters this fairy tale. Suddenly, life looks different. We start to struggle. We doubt ourselves and each other. We try to come to grips with why our expectations cannot be met. We start to wonder, perhaps we are defective, not good enough, a reject. Then things get ugly. This is the point in which many pathos are awaiting to pounce on their victim. Depression, anorexia, cutting, sexual promiscuity, and addictions, all waiting in the shadows, lurking, ready for blood. This may sound dramatic, but all these afflictions are nothing short of life threatening and serious. The light I cast on these issues couldn’t be made dark enough.

Sadly, because of the way the human mind operates, much of this unrealistic world can be hard for a person to tease apart. A picture is worth a thousand words, and we tend to believe what we see, despite being told otherwise. Like a magic trick, we fall victim to the illusion. It’s so hard to go against the sense of sight. The popular saying “seeing is believing” isn’t well known for nothing. The Realistic and unrealistic worlds have a very fuzzy line. And because of this gray area many tragic stories come to life. We have all been victims in one way or another, and we have all known victims. It’s a vicious cycle that claims all too many. The youth are the ones most at danger. They are actively searching for their role in this world. This eagerness to find out who they are, and bust through all the past records puts them at risk. They also have not had a lot of life experience to see and learn otherwise.

Oftentimes what takes the hardest hit is our self esteem. Because the media world is so prevalent in almost everyone’s life, the images we see constantly feel all too realistic. We see these images everyday, and many times feel that is what we strive for, and compete against. Many people internalize these feelings, and in turn feel as though they are lessor, and their life is lessor. Damage to ones self esteem is like playing with fire. Once someone has started down the path of negativity it can be hard to pull them back to reality. They often look for ways to numb the gut wrenching emotions, and that’s where the scary descent starts. Addictions often seep their way into the lives of these people, and then pulling them out of these addictive patterns becomes the new battle. The addiction the indirect result of low self esteem.

The fantasy world the media industry creates can effect people with all types of ambitions. From the athlete that wants to be the best, and look and play like the NBA stars, to the college student getting a business degree, and wanting Donald Trumps lifestyle. Young men and women see beautiful models, and feel that if they could just be like them, attain that beauty, their life would be perfect. Perfection is being sold in ads everywhere. And people believe perfection can be gained. Women suffer from a array of body issues, most of which can be traced back to the belief that beauty is the holy grail of happiness.

Just think about all the amazing images you see in one day (counting would be a job!). From the breathtaking national geographic photo of the rainforest, to the cute, flirty, refreshing gum ad. It’s a constant barrage of incredible moments, and unbelievable beauty. Christmas, a new baby, and a wedding always stick out to me as one of those media events that looks so incredibly perfect. The commercials can make someone think that these events should, and can be perfect.  This is an example of how the media can make even smaller impacts. People feel a little let down when their moments come, and maybe it didn’t live up to everything they expected. They can walk away wondering what went wrong, or with feelings of deflation. Many times we use the large amount of images we see as a comparison to our own life, this comparison, which we do naturally and subconsciously, can be dangerous. We rationalize the few negative images we come across away, and then are left with only one option, that we are not good enough.

So what can we do about it? It’s a constant battle for anyone. We have to consistently remind ourselves that the media is not reality (this is a forever rule). The media is only getting bigger and more powerful with technology!  If you start obsessing too much about something in life, step back and make sure you are assessing yourself fairly. Ask others, people are often times better at dishing reality, then seeing it for themselves. Also, remind your friends about being realistic. If someone comments on a beautiful celebrity photo, remind them of the photoshopping being done. When someone speaks about their wedding day, or their anticipation of their new baby, remind them that the depictions in the media and magazines are misleading, as there will be highs and lows (which are normal and ok). We need to help one another remember reality, and to embrace it. If you’re like me, then you enjoy much of what the media offers us. Great movies, fun music, and imagination. It’s just a matter of balance, and self education. As for our children, its very important to start educating them when they are very young (at least 2). They need to be taught about what reality really is, and they need these reminders and examples often. It’s vital for this to continue for all their growing years. It’s important to teach them this pattern of thinking, and to help them make it a habit. They should learn to see fake images, and then put themselves back into reality. You need to teach them the motives behind the industry, so they have an understanding, not just a rule to follow. The reality today is, the more we can all understand the way the media shapes our habits, emotions, and money, the better off we all will be.

In an article for the Washington Post, Kathleen Parker calls Obama America’s First Female President.  After a careful read of her article, I do not believe she is compliementing Obama.  She’s sounds like yet another women insulting a man by saying he is feminine and therefore weak.  Here’s the article: Washington Post Article What do you think?

Earlier in the week I was watching an episode of ABC’s “The View” where the ladies of the view, along with a male guest, an actor I believe (I’ll try to locate the name), were discussing the allegation of unwanted sexual contact against Al Gore.  For those of you unfamilir with the story, a massage therapist, who was hired by Gore to give him a long (2-3 hour, I believe) massage in a hotel room reported that Gore started moaning in a sexual way and groped her vagina on the outside of her clothing.  The male guest on the view shared his point of view, saying he knows the allegations are bogus because Gore wouldn’t want a 50-something women.  Does anyone else watch this and find it incredibly offensive, disregarding the story of an alleged victim based on his own screwed up belief that no man would be capable of being turned on by a 50 year old women, even if they are 50 themselves.  Sex crimes are not committed because the female is so young and attractive the man can’t resist.     Men generally select their victim based on opportunity and perceived vulnerability.  Even when men have affairs, the woman usually are not exceptionally young or beautiful.

Kendra Wilkinson became known as the youngest of Hugh Hefner’s three live-in girlfriends on the reality show, “The Girls Next Door.”  ”The Girls Next Door” was watched by men and women alike and for many viewers, it had a normalizing, even glamourizing, effect on the portrayal of life at the Playboy mansion.  Hef’s three girlfriends seemed to be having a great time from all public appearances.  Some felt, what’s the big deal if 18 year old Kendra wants to devote herself to a man in his eighties and his two other girlfriends.  If you’ve got a nice body, why not show it to the world.  Who are we to judge.  Women should be able to do whatever they chose to with their lives and bodies.  The downside to the life of a playmate is rarely revealed.

Recently, Kendra broke off her relationship with Hef, married Hank Baskett, and had her first child.  Kendra says her life has never been better.  In her new tell-all book “Sliding Into Home” Kendra reveals that her life at the playboy mansion wasn’t as glamorious as it appeared to be.  In fact, prior to Kendra’s recent transformation into marriage and motherhood, Kendra was a lost soul.

In her book, Kendra talks about her dad deserting her and her mom when Kendra was 3 years old, and how Kendra felt like it was her fault her dad left.  Kendra reveals that she began using cocaine in middle school and lost her virginity at age 13.  By high school, Kendra was using cocaine, weed, acid, meth, pills, anything she could get her hands on that would keep her in a haze.  Kendra was depressed, would cut herself, attempted suicide, and was placed in a mental hospital.  Then Kendra found something that gave her an ego boast- sexualizing herself to men for attention.  She became addicted to the attention it gave her when men thought she was attractive and became a stripper.  For the first time in her life, she felt powerful.  It was then that she was “discovered” and asked to model, covered only in bodypaint, for a party at the playboy mansion.  Hef invited her back for his 78th birthday party and asked her to be one of his live-in girlfriends.  Kendra admits that she was never actually sexually attracted to Hef, but thought it would come across as weird not to join him for sex, when all the other girls were doing it.  Kendra says she started seeing her current husband, Hank, behind Hef’s back and eventually broke the news to Hef in order to start a life with Hank.  The past came back to haunt Kendra recently, when an old boyfriend sold a video of Kendra and him having sex.  I didn’t see the video, but read that from watching it one can clearly see that it was a situation where Kendra didn’t want to be on video, and didn’t want to engage in the acts requested of her, but her ex kept pressuring her until she did what he asked of her.

Despite Kendra’s troubled past, one thing Kendra seems to be is honest.  She admits that she wasn’t comfortable bad-mouthing Hef and had a heartfelt reaction to the release of the sex tape and her fear of the impact it would have on her new and improved way of life.

Kendra’s story isn’t all that unusual for that of a women that sexualizes herself as a primary means of obtaining fame or power.  That type of power rarely leads to long-term life satisfation or feelings of self-worth.  As a general rule, a person must obtain the majority of their self-worth from non-sexual means, often the combination of relationships, accomplishments, and abilities, in order to live a healthy and happy life.

I went to the movie Grownups with my husband last night.  Maybe I should have know that I wouldn’t enjoy a movie all about immature men.  There was nothing funny about the movie, in my opinion, only offensive.  A large percentage of the jokes involved the men insulting each other by calling each other feminine.  As a woman, these jokes are incredibly offensive.  Another main source of jokes involved the attractive teenage daughters of one of the characters, who walked around in bikinis and daisy dukes.  The men couldn’t stop looking and making comments about the half-naked teenagers.  This movie portrays men as disrespectful, immature losers and has no redeeming qualities.

The question, “Can men and women just be friends?” has often been asked.   The best answer: Some can, some cannot.  It depends on the individuals and the circumstances.  The question raised here is this: As a female, do you want your man to have female friends?  I say yes.  Here’s why.  As a woman, I want a man who is capable of viewing me as his equal, and who is capable of, and sees value in, maintaining relationships with women that do not involve sex.  I also want a man who is capable of being my friend.

From my experience, men who have other female friends hold these qualities.  Men who only put effort into maintaining relationships with women when motiviated by sexual desire, do not have the qualities I want in a significant other.  Men who aren’t capable of having female friends tend to think women are impossible to understand and totally unlike themselves.  They rely heavily on gender stereotypes in their understanding of women.  When they see or interact with other women, they are unable to view women apart from their sexuality and believe that a woman’s display of kindness and attentiveness is more sexually motivated then it actually is.  Plus, a man who doesn’t believe in friendship with the opposite sex will tend to be more suspicious of you interactions with the opposite sex.

Sure, relationships with the opposite sex often have different dynamics than same-sex friendships, but as long as appropriate boundries exist, friendships with the opposite sex can be beneficial for both partners.

Agree? Disagree? Share your comments.

Last week Kendra Wilkinson was in the news talking about her new book, “Sliding Into Home.”  In her book, Kendra reveals what it was really like to be one of Hugh Hefner’s three live-in girlfriends and what led her in that direction.  For more about Kendra’s story, read last week’s post: Kendra: The Reality of the Girl Next Door.  Today I’m reading an article in the August 2010 edition of Vanity Fair entitled “To The Mansion Born” where writer John Heilpern writes of his interview with Hugh Hefner.  Hef revealed a few things that I found interesting.  Hef said that as a child, his family life lacked love and emotion.  Hef talked about getting married at a young age to a woman that broke his heart by cheating on him, and spoke of how he felt the cheating and heartbreak gave him permission to create pornography and live the promiscious lifestyle he has lived.  When speaking about his support for racial equality and gay rights, Hef was asked the feminists opposition to him for treating women as objects.  Hef insisted, “The are objects.”

From my observations of Hef, he certainly enjoys the company of young, beautiful women, and acts in a loving manner towards those he cares about, but he treats the women in his life more like a person might treat a child, pet, or plaything than one would treat a human being deserving of equal treatment and respect.  Even so, Hef and his enterprise are so often portrayed as acceptable, and even resepectable and admirable figures in our culture.

Angelina Jolie in Salt

Of course, the first thing that comes to most people’s minds when they think of Angelina Jolie is drop dead gorgeous. They may have other views, good or bad, but no one can deny her beauty. For me however, there has always been another aspect about her that is dominant in my mind. A dimension of her personality that has raised her in my opinion as something more special then just another pretty hollywood face. This uniqueness I speak of is her rebellious, confident, yet compassionate side. She has this facet of her personality where she is fearless about breaking society’s norms. She stands up for what she believes in, and she follows through. Over the years I’ve really enjoyed watching her morph into this strong, bold, female figure. The roles she has played have often times either been gritty, deep, or down right tough, and I really admire that about her. Many of her past movies have either had a wise message for humanity, or challenged gender stereotypes. I’ve always felt I have a rebellious, individualistic, color outside the lines side, and when I see her in tough action packed powerful roles, I feel that side of my personality being tugged outward. I enjoy that because I want that side of  my personality to shine, and my hope is for other women to gain confidence in this area as well. I want women to realize it’s okay, even fun, to be bold and powerful. The more you accept that these powerful roles are ok for women, the more free, as a women, you feel in life.

Along with her bold personality also comes a charitable and humanitarian side of Jolie. Some of the many causes Angelina has been focusing her time on are funding a primary school for girls in Afghanistan, an AIDS and TB clinic in Ethiopia, the preservation of elephant migration trails in Cambodia, and the National Center for Refugee and Immigrant Children. I admire someone that can, despite extreme fame, still give back in a genuine way. Apparently, inside that tough, surrender to no norms persona, is a soft caring human being. What an amazing, and effective dual set of traits. Power with compassion, and wisdom with bold goals.

Angelina isn’t afraid to think and act outside the box in order to find herself. She’s independent, confident, and unforgiving of who she is. I absolutely love those qualities. She has no problem breaking societal norms. In fact, her daughter Shiloh appears to be following in her mom’s footsteps. Shiloh loves boy clothing, and is most often spotted wearing tracksuits, and suit jackets with a tie. She even had her hair cut short. It seems the days of wearing dresses for Shiloh are gone. It’s obvious that Angelina is more then supportive of her daughters choice of expression, as she commented about Shiloh while promoting ‘Salt’, “I think she (Shiloh) is fascinating, the choices she is making. And I would never be the kind of parent to force somebody to be something they are not. I think that is just bad parenting… Children should be allowed to express themselves in whatever way they wish without anybody judging them because it is an important part of their growth. Society always has something to learn when it comes to the way we judge each other, label each other. We have far to go.”

Currently she is out promoting her latest film, ‘Salt’, to be released on July 23, 2010. Originally the film was written for a man (Tom Cruise), however, after he passed up on the role because it was too similar to past films of his, another person came to mind, Angelina. She had been asked previously by Amy Pascal (co-chairman of Sony Pictures) if she wanted to be a “bond girl” to which she replied, “No I’m not comfortable with that, but I would like to play bond.”  This conversation lead to Amy calling Jolie back about a year later saying to Jolie, “I think I found it (the role Jolie stated she wanted, as Bond).”  In this film Angelina plays the star role as a CIA agent on the run. Many have stated that it appears to be a cross between Mission Impossible and The Bourne Identity. Nonetheless, women are rarely depicted as the star headliner of an action packed thriller, and this movie is nothing short of action packed. The MPAA rating is PG-13 citing, “intense sequences of violence and action.” All too often women play the “damsel in distress” role, or the “tagging along sidekick” spot. It’s a breath of fresh air to see a woman tough, in control, and the lead. I think both men and women will enjoy seeing women in this light. Lets support this and other films like it by going out to see it in the theater, and by buying it on DVD when it is released. The bottom line, Angelina Jolie ROCKS, and we need to support women who go out on a limb to challenge gender stereotypes. If these roles in movies make money for the box office, then we will continue to enjoy seeing women in a new more powerful light, and that is exactly what I want to see in the future.

Read about other pro-women films here, including Angelina Jolie\’s Changeling

Girls are not the only victims of rigid gender expectations.  Gender stereotypes play a large role in the shaping of boys and often provide poor examples of what constitutes manhood, including aggression, promiscuity, recklessness, and a lack of empathy.

Through words, actions, and play, boys begin to recieve messages about their gender role at birth.  The model of manhood consists of emotional repression, show of strength, and denial of assistance.  Boys learn that they must to be tough and dominant, so they become less emotionally reactive and caring.  Boys learn that boys don’t cry.  In effect their capacity to experience a full range of emotions becomes restricted, and their ability to recognize emotions in themselves and others is hindered.  Boys learn that being a boy means standing on your own two feet and become less likely to seek assistance when needed.  Boys are encouraged to be more physically active than girls.  As a result, by school age. boys already lag behind girls in reading and the learning gap begins.  Self esteem suffers and attention deficit disorder becomes a common diagnosis.  By high school, bullying is a normal part of a boys’ social interaction and teasing and threatening behavior are used to fit in and gain respect.  At adolescence, promiscuity and the objectification of women are added to the requirements of what it takes to be a man.  These attributes can result in life long problems with destructive behaviors such as cheating and violence.

Boys toys and the media reinforce the idea that aggression, promiscuity, and brutality are key aspects of the male identity and that being perceived as masculine is of utmost importance.  This leads to a situation where boys must constantly prove they are masculine enough.  A boy who expresses any physical or emotional vulnerability or weakness becomes a victim.  A boy who doesn’t participate in the objectification of girls becomes a victim.  Feminine behavior and homosexuality become shameful.  Boys begin to attack one another for any behavior that is not masculine.  This includes anything perceived as tender or compassionate.  The most common method of attack come in the form of name calling and physical brutality.  Most often the name calling consists of “insults” like gay or girly, that not only hurt the boy, but cause and reinforce bias against all women and homosexuals.

This rigid role assigned to boys ensures the maintenance of a culture of cruelty, sexism, and harm and must be reversed to achieve gender equality.

One of the ultimate journeys as a human is to find oneself, and then once found, to express who you are as an individual. Part of the fun of expression is being able to sift through countless options, and then being able to construct new and unique views from these options. I’ve always enjoyed art because there are so many mediums and colors, and you can create so many amazing viewpoints from these choices. To me clothing and make-up has always been another art form. It’s always been intriguing to me to see what new combinations, and new fresh perspectives I can channel from all the textiles and make-up available. I have always been able to express my feeling for the day, month, or even year through these fun outlets. So if clothing and make-up is just another way to express who you are, and where you are coming from, shouldn’t every human have that opportunity? Why should only women have all the fun, and furthermore, wouldn’t women enjoy seeing more variety in mens looks as well?

I personally think the answers to the above posed questions are that, of course all humans should be able to, without social stigma, wear make-up, and dress freely (this includes the full color spectrum such as pink), and secondly, that women would absolutely enjoy men in make-up and more variety in attire. The current visual world of men and women is a socially constructed system. We are not born programed to wear pink and blue. Furthermore, the animal kingdom has countless examples of the male being the more ornate species (especially male birds). In fact, even the king of the jungle himself, the male lion, is the more ornate one of the two sexes. His mane is far more dramatic and robust then the females. Additionally, many cultures have the male dressing up in colorful make-up, accessories, and clothing. One such cultural group being the American Indians, with the chief wearing the fanciest head piece of all (the Egyptians also adorned their men with make-up and accessories). Make-up has even been utilized during warfare, for what purpose? For the purpose of bonding, recognition, and expression. The artful side of human beings dates way back in our evolutionary history, from cave drawings to the famous Stonehenge rock formations in England. It appears we have a passion for expression. Some  scientists even believe that that is one of the aspects that makes us uniquely human. Our creativity and curiosity fostering our imaginations (which leads to new ideas and inventions) and strengthening our social bonds with one another.

Now to answer the question of whether or not females would enjoy men in make-up and additional wardrobe expression options. I think it’s safe to say humans enjoy variety. Some men like women that are very simple in their expression of themselves, possibly preferring the female to wear no make-up at all, while others love the glitz and glamour of a girl decked out in glitter and fake eyelashes. Interestingly, though, that’s part of the fun. Having a large pool of choices can be exciting and even handy. Seeing men in black, gray, and brown suits over and over again does get a bit dull (now certainly to a certain select number this wouldn’t be the case). So I think the answer is obvious, of course women would enjoy seeing men in more make-up/fashion options. But the options need to be more socially acceptable to be fun, and well utilized. For example, a boy can wear make-up to high school now, but the likelihood of him being accepted by the other males is quite low. Furthermore, the odds of people stereotyping him as gay will increase, which sadly, often leads to taunting, jokes, and ridicule. A boy wearing make-up may also be stereotyped as alternative, emo or grunge, even if he doesn’t feel that’s his personality or niche. So naturally, due to societal pressure, a male will adhere to socially made male rules about fashion and self expression. Additionally, many of the females may also follow suit with the ridicule or lack of acceptance because they fear they may gain negative attention for dating or befriending the boy that has now acquired a certain stereotype or stigma. While the girl may be attracted to the boy with make-up, she may not be comfortable being associated with the boy that is called names or has gained a particular stereotype (like grunge).

Women have proven time and time again that they enjoy men putting effort and energy into their looks. Many celebrities have had large female followings because women have been so attracted to them and their “look.” Adam Lambert (glam rock star, and past runner up on American Idol), has no shortage of females of ALL ages flocking to his concerts. Adam is a chameleon, playing with his looks in every song he sings. In one music video he looks simple and less glamorous (and what many would say is “normal”), and then in the next video he is decked out in glitter, and dramatic eye make-up. He has no shortage of expression, and his vibrant charisma pulls in women by the drones. The bottom line is he’s interesting, exciting, and we never know what to expect. Other male celebrities that wear make-up are Bret Michael’s (rock star and former Lead Singer of Poison), Billie Joe Armstrong (lead singer of the Alternative rock band Green day), Pete Wentz (Singer in the band Fall Out Boy and married to Ashlee Simpson), Russel Brand (comedian, author, actor and fiance to Katy Perry), and rock legends Ozzy Ozbourne and Prince. One very powerful face in the business world even wears an iconic pink tie, and yes, that would be Mr. Donald Trump. It seems as though his power and wealth has given him the flexibility to break the norm. I even wonder if the tie is a symbol of the true power he holds, because he is able to rise above social norms and be the rebel man wearing pink. I have an additional list of men who wear make-up at the end of this post. All these men have female fans, and most, if not all, wear their make-up outside of their profession.

The truth of the matter is that these rules that are put upon the sexes need not be there. These parameters serve no purpose other than to steal away the expression, excitement, and variety each person can offer. Many men would like the option to hide acne, or less then ideal skin with foundation and concealer, and quite frankly many women wouldn’t mind them utilizing such options. Men want skin that looks clear, eyelashes that look longer (I’ve heard many men complimented on their nice lashes!), and eyes that appear bigger and brighter. Even the popular make-up brand MAC has had make-up out for men. The colors were on the neutral side, with items that included bronzers and eyeliners. Interestingly, this limited edition line sold out fast online. The reality is, who truly doesn’t want to accentuate the positive, and downplay the negative? Playing with fashion and variety is fun, refreshing, and never dull! Lets all encourage this diversity and variety in one another, after all, they say variety is the spice of life, and I couldn’t agree more.

Additional men who have worn make-up. Please free to add to the list.

-Joel and Benji Madden from the band Good Charlotte (Nicole Richie and Joel have two children together and are a couple)

-Robert Smith from the alternative band The Cure

-George Michael, English pop singer and producer

-Johnny depp on Pirates of the Carribean, and many women loved his look.

-David Bowie, Famous English rock singer and actor

-Elvis Presley, No introduction needed!

-Dave Navarro- Famous guitarist who plays in the alternative rock band Jane’s Addiction. He has also played with the The Red Hot Chili Peppers and Nine Inch Nails.

When you really think about humanity, and how it operates, you realize how much people need people. Everything revolves around relationships of one kind or another. Because of this need for human contact, communication becomes a very important aspect of acquiring and maintaining these much needed relationships. And when you study communication in all its many forms, verbal and nonverbal, you realize just how complicated it really is. Many scientists now believe that the prefrontal cortex of the brain (the logical, reasoning part, the part that sets us apart from other species) evolved in humans to support our complex social lives. This makes sense considering just how diverse and convoluted our society is.

This leads me to my next question, if our prefrontal cortex (the most advanced part of our brain), evolved for social reasons, then shouldn’t this social side have deeply-rooted importance to the success, and uniqueness of our species? Many scientists are shedding light on this very question. The picture that is taking hold in science is one where without unity and bonds between humans, the civilization we now know wouldn’t exist. We have invented great things and ideas as a team, and our unique ability to communicate on such a high level has gained us advantages beyond imagination. Leaving behind our small hunter gatherer lifestyles for enormous groups, has literally changed the face of earth and humanity. Our ability to each specialize, and share in the fruits has propelled us to bigger and bigger feats, every generation building on the next. The people who could master this social life the best outlived the ones that struggled. Everything from young’s survival, to mate choice hinges on social skills. To be outcast from a group in the early days of humanity could certainly effect your survival. Living in groups, and sealing bonds secures food, protection, shelter, and help raising young. Upsetting your group could mean a sure death sentence. Even today, upsetting groups can be a dangerous road to take. In the following paragraphs I will give many examples of how our social side reveals itself and its importance to our humanity, and survival.

Have you ever been home alone, and felt a a need to have a television, or radio on in the background? Or have you ever went out shopping just to be out by others? Interestingly, people aren’t typically comfortable with quiet times by themselves, especially if it’s going to be any length of time. For many being alone feels awkward, uncomfortable, and sometimes even scary. Sure, we all tend to like some private moments, but most people prefer that time to be limited, and on their terms. For many, pets serve as a buffer to loneliness. Humans have a large need to feel understood, and loved, and many find this comfort in pets. Some people even become what is called “pet collectors, or pet hoarders” replacing humans with that of large numbers of animals, oftentimes because human social relationships are difficult for them for various reasons. Many people even seek companionship via the Internet. Having large social groups that they consider friends (even if they have never met them before), and these groups often meet in chat rooms, etc to carry out relationships. Some people even become addicted to this form of socialization, nearly replacing the real world with this virtual one. Interestingly, it seems that technology is just another means for everyone to feel close to somebody, a new age form of dealing with our need for social relationships. I believe the social aspect of humanity is one of the major necessities for a humans successful survival (up there with food, water, and shelter), and because of this I imagine that all our most successful ideas and inventions will revolve around this dimension of ourselves. Some perfect examples of this idea in action are the cell phone, texting, Facebook, and Twitter. These are some of the inventions/ideas to explode in popularity in the last decade, and they all revolve around our need for people.

The need for companionship is so strong that people locked in isolated cells oftentimes go crazy. Many who have come out of long periods of isolation often report it as being one of the cruelest forms of torture. One imprisoned man even reported that he purposefully got into trouble so he would be taken out of isolation, even though that meant he would receive brutal beatings for acting up. So apparently, even if all your vital living neccesties are met, you will most likely suffer madness without human connection. That puts it right up there with basic needs for a healthy human in my opinion. The mind and body need to be taken into account. The body may be fed, but the mind needs its nourishment as well. The reality is the mind is physical too, it’s just that there’s a strong misconception in society that the mind is more of a spirit our mystical soul or voice in your head (this thought process dates back  to the ancient greeks). In reality thoughts stem from physical processes. Nonetheless, you cannot separate physical body and mental needs. They need each other to survive. They are one.

Many a movie has depicted this very scene (severe isolation), going as far as to have the characters befriend a rat or insect, even a volleyball on the popular Tom Hanks movie, The Cast Away (2000). And as I recall the ball was named Wilson, and when Wilson the ball was lost at sea Tom Hanks cried as if he had lost his best friend. And while we all laughed at the scenes in the movie that depicted Tom Hanks spending time, and even arguing with the ball, we all deep down understood where he was coming from. We related to the thirst for human companionship, and we understood the pain of loneliness Tom Hank’s character was feeling.

Bullies also shed light on our social world, as victims suffer much longer from the mental wounds then the physical. Many victims state how much more painful the words were, and how those labels have haunted them their whole life. Of course, words hurt because they effect how we perceive our social selves. Our self esteem is a reflection of how we believe the world perceives us. If we believe that the world hates us, we feel lonely, and, as I stated earlier, isolation is one of the cruelest forms of torture. Bullies are smart, and they know what truly gets a reaction, and anyone who has been called a name, or been the name caller, knows exactly the power words hold.

Another aspect that illuminates just how important and complicated our social lives are is the medical conditions that take away our abilities to readily sustain human bonds, and act correctly in the presence of human company. There are many conditions that can rob a human of their ability to interact. One such condition is autism. When you see what an impact this disorder has on someone’s life you learn to appreciate the value of social skills, and you start to understand just how needed these abilities are for survival. Humans have social norms, and when someone cannot follow these norms, read nonverbal and indirect communication, or bond with another human, they suffer greatly. Being born without these abilities, or losing them to brain damage or some other disease has devastating consequences. A person’s “social health” is vital to their navigation through life, and without it they are oftentimes unable to live on there own. There are many books and movies/television programs that have chronicled how humans adjust, and go through life without many of these social abilities we take for granted. In fact, Nell (1994), was a movie about a girl who was raised in near isolation in the remote backwoods of North Carolina in a cottage. There’s also a documentary by NOVA called, Secret of the Wild Child. This documentary chronicles how social workers found a 13 year old girl that had been isolated in a room and tied to a potty chair, with virtually no human contact for a decade (no one was allowed to interact with her at any level). It shows the extreme disabilities she suffered from the neglect. Disabilities that included the inability to communicate or walk, and many other odd behaviors. There are also many books published in the medical area that chronicle brain disorders and the social implications they have on a person’s life.

Another medical condition that emphasizes the importance of socialization is the disorder called Reactive Attachment Disorder. This disorder is broad, but involves the child not attaching emotionally and socially to a caregiver in the first few years of life. The reason for the existence of this disorder varies, but one such cause has been traced to orphanages. Some orphanages are unable to meet the demands of all the children due to various reasons. Therefore, for example, some children get little social interaction. They get food, and shelter (typically living in a crib all the time), but human contact is limited. The symptoms for this disorder vary widely but range from lack of eye contact when interacting with someone, to acts of violence, especially towards themselves. Parents of children with the disorder often complain about the hardships of bonding with the child, and daily life is oftentimes a struggle for the whole family. This disorder is a life long diagnosis, and helps shed light on our need for close relationships from the day we are born.

The scientific world has also produced experiments that have demonstrated the value of social bonds and love. The famous experiment done by Harry Harlow in the 1950′s gave the world a glimpse into just how much socialization and love matters. He and his students used two wire monkeys, one that was covered in a cloth, and one that was not, but had a bottle, and then let baby monkeys choose which mother they wanted. They stroked, cuddled, and slept with “cloth mother”, and ignored the metal mother except for taking food from her. In her book, “Love at Goon Park” which described Harlow’s experiments, Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Deborah Blum stated this need eloquently, “food is sustenance but a good hug is life itself.” In fact, Harlow even went further with his studies, he later decided to isolate the baby monkeys for 30 days to see what would happen in a “loveless” world. The baby monkeys were in cages and only saw the hands that fed them. When the baby monkeys were taken out of the cages they were deeply disturbed. Two of the monkeys died of starvation because they refused to eat, and the rest were extremely dysfunctional.

Let’s now look at how the importance of social relationships reveals itself over the evolution of a human’s life. When we are born we need our parents to take interest in us enough to make great sacrifices for our benefit. If we are denied socialization, even in the presence of food, water, and sheltor, our development is stunted and our survival abilities are greatly diminished. This disability goes as far as the inability to even build simple sentences as an adult. If however, our social needs are met as infants, we then go on to practice social habits over our childhood (such as making friends, and practice with make believe play) that help us build skills we can utilize as adults. Eventually we evolve into teenagers, as our hormones kick in we develop a need to seek out mates, and test our skills at courting. This of course utilizes many social skills. The importance of social relationships to a human become very apparent at this stage of a human’s life. As many have seen first hand, or remember from their youth, how teenagers become consumed in social events. Their lives revolve around friends and dating. The lessons they have learned from parents, society, and friends, are now being put to serious use, and parents now play a background role in their lives. It is at this point in life that it becomes very obvious just how important relationships truly are to our self perception, and mental health. If we are lucky, the habits we develop as children will bring us great success, love and happiness in the social realm of adulthood, and once we become elderly, these social relationships will help raise our life expectancy. As many of us have heard, happily married people live longer then single people, and oftentimes, if a mate of an elderly person dies, the other will soon follow.

So if human relationships and socialization are obviously so important, why are they not given enough credit for shaping us, and our choices in life? All too often it seems humans give so much credit to biology (DNA). Perhaps, it’s because biology feels more tangible, more out in the open, it appears to me that it gains the bulk of the credit for shaping us, and our needs. If something is more inconspicuous, or less obvious to the naked eye, we tend to devalue and underestimate it. It’s also easier to ignore. Many people view the social side of our life as a luxury, a romantic notion of the perfect life, and that many should be happy just to have a roof over their heads and food. But is that really the case? Could this view of how little social relationships matter be an underpinning to many of the mental health issues our society faces? Sure, many people say, I know love matters, but do they “really” put it as high in their minds as food, water, and sleep? My guess is no. But, even though one may kill you sooner then another, such as water before food, doesn’t the lack of socialization and love still hinder a life nearly useless if fully devoid of the need. Such as the monkeys being denied love in the cage for 30 days. Their lives were forever scarred, and dysfunctional because the need for socialization wasn’t met. That to me presents the social side of living as a need. It seems to me that people largely recognize needs only in visual form , such as witnessing food being consumed, and a person gaining weight. There are needs that while may not be easily seen, are just as critical to living.

In the end I think many of us understand intuitively the importance of love and building bonds. The truth is our early social lives are pivotal to our future success. We humans have been concerned about eating a well balanced diet for our bodies for decades, but, the idea that bathing our brains in a balanced social environment has been much slower to gain popularity. In reality, that calls for much more work, and dedication, because, after all, there’s no magic social vitamin we can give our children.

The ultimate message here is social relationships touch every aspect of our lives, and have deep roots in cultivating who we become. Perhaps what we all truly strive for isn’t money and power, but the relationships they bring. What would be the importance and utility of those attributes if you had those, but no one else was around? So, in the end, money is just a symbol for what people are really hungary for, and that is love and acceptance. This reality brings to light just how critical our social life is, and how much pull it will have on developing who we are. In the beginning of our development (and truly forever, as we evolve as people as we age), we are searching for our identity, and one of the first ways we do this is by categorizing ourselves as male or female. Once we establish our category, we then proceed to metaphorically check off the list of attributes that that gender encompasses. Of course, socially permitting a girl may add a less female characteristic, such as sports, but typically, she will exhibit a fairly traditional female role. If a person veers off the beaten path of gender too much, society is quick to put them back in their category.

As science gains better and more advanced tools for studying humans, the unveiling of our social side and its importance is going to come crashing to the forefront of humanity. We no longer will be able to deny its enormous role in shaping who we are, and with this a new age of awareness will be crowned.

One of the most common lines I’ve heard in defense of prostitution (twice this week actually) is that prostitution is the world’s oldest profession.  This statement is most often made in support of the position that prostitution is natural, necessary, or will always be around, so there is no sense fighting it.  I’m not convinced that statement is factually accurate, but even if prostitution is in fact the oldest profession, does that in and of itself do anything to justify its continuation or support?

You know another very ancient practice?  Slavery.  Slavery, in some form or fashion, existed prior to biblical time, and remains today.  Yet, fortunately people rarely attempt to use the “world’s oldest practice” defense to support it’s continuation or legalization.

When it comes to prostitution, it’s not as if a women turns of legal age and than suddenly, on her own, decides she wants to allow strange men to do whatever they would like with the orifices of her naked body, however rough, disgusting, or degrading.  If anything, that’s the exception to the rule.  In the U.S. the average age prostitutes start selling sex is 12 years old.  TWELVE YEARS OLD, due to the abuse and manipulation of adults and oftentimes force and brutality.  This remains true even in countries where prostitution is legalized.  In fact, in countries where prostitution is legalized, the supply of, and demand for underage girls increases.  As adults, prostitutes continue to behave the only way they know how.  Just like other victims of abuse and oppression, even if the abuser leaves the picture, the prostitute will go on to exploit herself.

Like slavery, prostitution may have always existed, but that doesn’t make it alright, and that certainly doesn’t mean we treat prostitution as natural and therefore acceptable.  Sweden is currently the country with the most effective approach in fighting prostitution- they punish the johns severely, rather than punishing the prostitutes, which has greater reduced the number of men who have sex with prostitutes.  When anti-prostitution efforts help any individual, we make a world of difference in the life of that individual and their offspring, and that makes it all worthwhile.

I attended a Bill Cosby comedy show last night and am sure glad I did.  It is apparent that Cosby isn’t as quick in his delivery these days, but his punch lines are well worth the wait.  His material was new and his jokes were as funny as ever.  I admire Bill Cosby.  He doesn’t swear.  Few of his jokes are about sex, and those that are, aren’t nasty or disrespectful, and he isn’t out to insult or bring down any group of people.  This type of comedian is a rare find.  I listened to an interview with Cosby on my drive home from his show.  During the interview, Cosby was asked why he made the decision not to engage in profane humor.  Cosby said that a lot of comedians are going for the easy laugh that comes from shock value.  If these comedians were restricted from use of profane or offensive language, he thinks they’d just take off their clothes, because the wouldn’t have anything to say.  I don’t think Cosby is too far off here.  It takes true talent, creativity, and class to make people laugh without being crude and Bill Cosby has what it takes.

If you have the opportunity to see Cosby live, I strongly recommend it.  He’s a legend and is still very active.   Bill Cosby Tour Schedule You also might enjoy watching his comedy dvds and cds, which can be purchased new or used on amazon.com

Recently supermodel Gisele Bundchen made headlines when she made the statement that mothers should be required by law to breastfeed their babies, stating:  ”Some people here think they don’t have to breastfeed, and I think, ‘Are you going to give chemical food to your child when they are so little?’ I think there should be a worldwide law, in my opinion, that mothers should breastfeed their babies for six months.”   After recieving criticism for her statement, Gisele toned down her position, saying she didn’t mean to tell others what to do.

Should women be forced or pressured to breastfeed?  I say absolutely not.  The decision of whether or not to breastfeed is personal.  Some women are not capable of breastfeeding or for whatever reason it just does not work for them, and they should not be made to feel bad about that.  Mothers already feel enough guilt and societal pressure when it comes to parenting.  Certainly women should become aware of the benefits of breastfeeding versus formula, and should make a thoughtful decision, but in the end, it is and needs to remain their own decision.  There are a lot of people, myself included, who were not breastfeed and became mentally and physically healthy adults.  Let’s start trusting women and respecting their right to chose.

Have you ever wondered what is the point of emotions? Why do we have to feel emotional pain? Why do we laugh till our stomach hurts? Why do we cry so hard we can’t see? Why do we jump for joy? Why do we get butterflies in our stomach during times of nervousness? Why does our heart feel as though it is actually aching in times of sorrow?

Emotions are a funny thing. Sometimes they feel like your biggest ally, and other times they feel like your biggest enemy. But the reality is, they are the glue to our society. They are what make us human, and what gives humanity our success. Many scientists believe it’s humanities ability to utilize tools that make us so special, but I believe it’s our unique social society, and our amazing ability to build elaborate social structures, and bonds. This social ability made possible through our array of emotions is our true gift.

Without our emotions we wouldn’t have social bonds, and without social bonds we wouldn’t have the drive to want to be close to people and secure close relationships. If we didn’t have an incentive to want to be together then we wouldn’t have gained the advantages that communities have given us. Living in large groups affords us the ability to specialize. Specialization gives us the ability to branch out into other domains. In other words, instead of seeking out food, shelter, and safety. Our current societal structure lets us do the job we choose, which in turn we utilize that pay for food, daycare, shelter, and other needs. In ancient times we all had to spend time gaining food, and neccesties to sustain life, which didn’t afford society the luxury of time and creativity. If we all lived on our own, then humanities success would be very limited. Each one of us would spend a great deal of time just trying to survive. Think back to early farming and the family structure. Its focus was on need, and there was’t a lot of time for daydreaming and inventing. Furthermore, if we didn’t have emotions I’m not sure how our young would fare, as our young need a great deal of care (in fact humans need extra long care because of our elaborate brains), and nature needs to attach us to our young some how. It’s not like we can just lay eggs and go. Imagine life without emotions, how attached to others do you think you would be?

Emotions must be really important to humans because they are our essence, they are what we revolve our lives around. Everything we do makes us feel, and those feelings pull us in different directions. Some say an idea is the ultimate virus in life, but I say it’s not the idea, it’s the emotion in the idea. A mute, static, emotionless idea doesn’t gain momentum, it’s the feelings behind the thought that gain the power to make things happen. Think about all the great speakers and their movements (Martin Luther King Jr), they used emotion to move mountains. Emotion is the magic behind the curtain. The quick little movement behind the scenes that causes the wonder, and the big eyes. Humans blanket themselves in emotion, from the music they listen to, to the movies they watch. The most influential people are the ones that stir our emotions. They say these people have that certain special something, that charisma. But what they are really doing is utilizing the power of emotion. They are masters of emotion and making you feel good about yourself. My previous post” The Charisma Effect” goes further into this effect.

Even our senses are in on the secret. When I smell certain smells I don’t get an idea, I feel an emotion that leads me to an idea. Every once in a while I smell something that smells like something from my past, and suddenly I feel the time, I feel the place. The same thing with music. When I hear an old song it’s like an emotional bookmark back into my past. I can feel the age I was, the moment I was in, happy or sad. It’s funny, I can be listening to the radio and one moment I’m jumping for joy and then the next moment I’m feeling somber and reflective. It can be a bit eerie to suddenly feel an emotion that was from so long ago. Pictures are the same way, when I see a picture of someone I love, I feel the love I feel for them. It’s because our senses are wired to our emotions, in cahoots with one another, like two best friends that can read each others minds without saying a word.

Emotions can make people do things that seem crazy, and out of character. People will die for causes, or dedicate their lives to service something other then themselves. Emotions fuel are most precious poems, our most relished novels, and our most beloved paintings. They fill our choirs with soul, and our morning shower with a playful tune. Without emotion life would be quiet, dull, and mechanical.

So what are they trying to get us to do? They use fear to help keep us aware and safe, love to secure us to our young and the ones that help us raise our young, anger to help fend away danger, sorrow as a pain that instructs us when something has hurt our emotional bonds (just like physical pain gives us messages, so does emotional), and happiness as a way of letting us know that something is beneficial to us. All these emotions communicate messages not only to us, but to others, it lets others know what we like, and don’t like. In fact, smiling and laughing together builds bonds, as does crying together.

Emotions are the reason so many people fall prey to the fake ad world, because they are a natural pull, and our emotions are meant to help ensure bonds, therefore we have a hard time denying these pulls. We build bonds towards things that make us feel naturally. And it can be hard to deny an instinct that our body has evolved with for survival. We smile and cry during movies, even though we know it’s fake. Our bodies at the cellular level are getting instructions, even if they are fake. Our cells cannot tell the difference, therefore they react, and build thoughts and bonds (mirror neurons are now shedding some light on our ability to feel another’s emotions). Think about how people bond to celebrities, and even items. The human mind has a hard time understanding the difference.

The Bottom line, humans develop bonds with one another (male and female) to help us gain success with rearing our young, finding food, and aiding us with protection from predators. Nature understands that the best way for our species to be successful is to work together. Because of this, nature gave us the strong desire to gain, and maintain powerful relationships with one another. These powerful bonds will then power our society along through the ups and downs of living in a world that at times can be unforgiving. We, by luck of adaptation and evolution, have gained the perfect brain that enables us to form such intricate, and complicated relationships that have built our world into what it is. The cortex, the unique, new, and large part of our brain scientists are now realizing is the reason we are able to carry on such high level social interactions compared to any other species. A few animals have smaller, similar characteristics of our brain, and therefore to a degree have some of the gifts we have (dolphins, apes, and elephants), but nothing still quite like ours.

In my opinion emotions serve an important and critical part of our humanity. They are what make it possible for us to build this elaborate world we all live in. They give us the drive to want to build relationships with one another, and work out the kinks of living beside others that at times can be frustrating. Emotions force us to be together, and this in turn helps us help one another survive. Think about it, emotions must have a huge purpose, otherwise why would they be such a large part of our lives, and why would they be so strong in us? Emotions are the ultimate motivator. The perfect way for nature to ensure we humans successfully move forward in our existence.

So next time you feel the need to curse out at your emotions, remember all they have given us, because, after all is said and done emotions and social bonds are what life is truly about.

On this site I have been writing a lot about how important social bonds are to human’s. You may be wondering how this reflects the sites mission of gender equality. I believe the social side of society is the largest driving force for our behavior. Because I believe gender differences are based largely on environment I try to help explain just how extensive this social force is in molding who we are. I will continue to write and add new ideas and information that help people better understand why a gender may act the way they do in this social environment we humans have created.

The stud/slut double standard influences the sexual attitudes and behaviors of both genders.

Females are discouraged from having a large number of sexual partners, bragging about or admitting to sexual experiences, actively pursuing or showing interest in sex, viewing men as sexual objects, showing strong interest in the naked male body, or separating sex from emotion.

Women whose behavior diverges from these expectations generally keep it quiet or are stigmatized.

Men, on the other hand, are encouraged to have a large number of sexual partners, brag about sexual escapades, actively pursue and show interest in sex, view women as sexual objects, show strong interest in the naked female body, and separate sex from emotion.

Men whose behavior diverges from these expectations generally keep it quiet or are stigmatized (by being called/considered unmasculine or gay.)

While many of us understand how the double standard effects women (shame and sexual repression, low self esteem, bad reputation, etc.)  its effect on men has been less often acknowledged.  The double standard encourages men to engage in thoughtless behavior that is damaging to themselves and others.   Below are some recent news stories involving men who have damaged their careers, families, and lives by engaging in risky sexual behavior.

Feel free to add onto this list

For those who keep up with the news, it’s hard not to notice the frequency of stories involving hardcore gay rights opponents outed as homosexual.  A recent documentary entitled “Outrage” offers insight into this phenomenon.  ”Outrage” reveals the prevalence of anti-gay, closeted public officials and explains how the dignity and rights of gays are undermined by their secrecy and hypocrisy.  As described in “Outrage” closeted homosexual want to do everything within their power to deflect attention from their own sexuality.

Expanding upon the psychological explanation provided in”Outrage” the closeted homosexual’s opposition to gay rights is an act of self-loathing, over-compensation.  A closeted homosexual goes through everyday of his life knowing he has a huge secret and feeling shameful about it.  He’s gay, but is unable to accept that part of himself.  Because of societal pressures or religious beliefs, he does not feel that it’s ok to be gay.  It may be especially difficult to be accepted as gay in his chosen career.  He lives in constant fear of being found out, so he (consciously or unconsciously) goes out of his way to prove to people that he’s not gay, even if there’s no indication that people would otherwise know.  This generally involves open hostility and opposition to gays.

An additional explanation for this phenomena that doesn’t always involve hypocrisy–People focus their efforts on the causes that are closest to their hearts and personal experiences.  Unless an individual has a very deep  and personal connection to homosexuality, they won’t make it their mission in life to attack it.

Mike Rogers, gay founder of Blogactive, and others have made it their mission to out closeted politicians.  Rogers says he chose to focus on outing conservatives because they make up 90% of closeted homosexual politicians.

Below is a list of just some of the outed anti-gay politicians:

1.Larry Craig (R) was arrested in Minneapolis airport restroom for soliciting sex with what turned out to be a male undercover agent.  Eight months before his arrest Mike Rogers outed Larry Craig for having sex with a man in a restroom at Union Station.

Craig voted against domestic partner benefits, gays in military, gay marriage, gay anti-discrimination laws, gay hate crime prevention, HIV/aids support

2. Ed Schrock (R) Virginia voted against all gay rights acts at every opportunity.  Schrock resigned from reelection after using interactive phone dating service to obtain gay sex, but never admitted he was gay.

3. Charlie Crist has been governer of Florida since 2006.  He is a strong opponent of gay marriage and adoption by gay parents. Crist was outed for having a sexual relationship with young male staffer and a long-term male partner.  Crist continues to deny he is gay.

4. Jim McCCrery (R) Another opponent of  gay rights.  Although McCCrery was apparently a democrat who supported gay rights earlier in his life, he changed his party and positions as soon as he had the opportunity to run for congress.  Since that time several men have revealed that they have had sexual relationships with him.

5. David Dreier (R-CA) has been publicly hostile towards gays, and it turns out that his chief of staff is his gay lover.

6. Jim McGreevy (D) was the governor of NJ.  With his wife by his side, he announced he was gay, that he had an affair with a man, and that he would resign.

7. George Rekers, Minister in ‘Rentboy’ Incident, Quits Anti-Gay Group Board – AOL News: http://bit.ly/aiY5MM

8.  Sen.Ashburn (R-Calif) fierce opponent of gay rights, arrested leaving gay nightclub, confirmed that he is gay. http://bit.ly/cB8XDf

There are many more politicians that belong on this list, but instead of spending several hours compiling this list, I’ll leave it at that for now.  We could compile a similarly long list for non-politicians.  Newscasters like Shepard Smith of Fox News and a long list of priests and ministers (remember Ted Haggard) have also followed this path of hypocrisy.  Just last week a local Lutheran minister who was a very vocal and public opponent against gay clergy made headlines when he was outed as a homosexual.  Tom Brock Outed As Gay After Condemning Gay Behavior

Please add the outed anti-gay leader that I’ve missed by commenting below.

8/17/2010 Update: Tonight on Larry King Dr. Laura announced that she was quitting her radio show when her contract ends at the end of the year because she wants to “regain” her First Amendment rights.  Dr. Laura explained, “I want to be able to say what’s on my mind and in my heart and what I think is helpful and useful without somebody getting angry, some special interest group deciding this is the time to silence a voice of dissent and attack affiliates, attack sponsors.” abc news story

Dr. Laura’s hate of feminists: This quote comes from the September 1998 issue of Vanity Fair:

“Schlessinger hates feminists too, but admits she used to be one. ‘They nauseate and sicken me,’ she says. ‘They’ve destroyed the sanctity of motherhood.’”

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a commentator and author, best known for her call-in radio show, where she responds to callers’ requests for personal advice.  Dr. Laura is known for the directness and abruptness of her responses to callers questions and her socially conservative positions.  In the words on her own website, her show “preaches, teaches, and nags about morals, values and ethics.”  Dr. Laura has been known to promote “traditional family morals” including anti-gay and anti-feminist ideologies.

Earlier this week, a woman called into Dr. Laura’s radio advice show, seeking advice about a marital problem.  The woman simply said she is black, is married to a white man, and that some of his family members say racially offensive things in her presence, her husband doesn’t stop it, and she wants advice on how to handle the situation because it hurts her feelings.  Sounds like a legitimate concern, right?

Rather then taking the caller’s word that the comments are in fact out of line, Dr. Laura interrupts and asks the caller, what exactly are they saying, demanding two good examples.  Dr. Laura then explains that she’s asking for the examples because sometimes people are hypersensitive, and offended by things they shouldn’t be offended by.  The caller proceeds by saying that one guy constantly talks like black people this, black people that, basically generalizing that all black people are the same.  Dr. Laura interrupts and says, “I don’t think that’s racist.”  Then Dr. Laura says you can’t deny a whole lot of black people voted for Obama simply because he was half-black.  She then gives an example of how she herself said something similar the other day.  She  was playing basketball and told her black bodyguard, “I want you on my team, because white men can’t jump.”  Dr. Laura said, “That wasn’t racist, it was funny.”  The caller responds asking Dr. Laura whether Dr. Laura thinks the N-word is offensive.  Rather then saying yes or no, Dr. Laura responds, “black guys use it all the time, turn on HBO, listen to a black comic all you  hear nigger, nigger, nigger.  I don’t get it.  If anyone without enough melanin says it it’s a horrible thing, but when black people say it it’s affectionate, “.  The caller correctly points out “that doesn’t make it right.”  Then the show goes to commercial break.

Upon Dr. Laura’s return, the caller says she was offended (understandably so).  Dr. Laura doesn’t retreat.  She continues to dig herself deeper and deeper into the hole she created, by showing an incredible amount of ignorance and a complete lack of sensitivity to the caller’s problem, and for racial issues in general.  Dr. Laura responds, “there is a black man for president and there’s more complaining about racism then ever, and I think that is hilarious.”  (As if the election of the first black president would solve all racial problems and attitudes that have existed for generations)

Dr. Laura doesn’t stop there.  She accuses the caller of having a chip on her shoulder, of being hypersensitive, and of not having a sense of humor, and goes on to say, don’t marry out of your race if you don’t have a sense of humor.

Dr. Laura’s cruelity and abrasiveness with callers is nothing new, but this time she has entered territory that one cannot easily return from.  Below is a link to the audio of her controversial remarks.

Dr. Laura Audio

You may also be interested in learning about some of the contradictions between what Dr. Laura preaches, and the way she has lived her own life.   For example, Dr. Laura divorced her first husband, and began dating her current husband while he was married to another women whom he had 3 children with.  Dr. Laura was already pregnant when they married.  Dr. Laura admittedly came from a dysfunctional family and stopped speaking to her own mother several years before her mother’s death.  Dr. Laura Bio

I’ve listened to Dr. Laura’s radio show several times and have read a few of her books.  Based on my experience of Dr. Laura, I  would estimate that I agree with close to 30% of what she has to say.  There’s no denying it, Dr. Laura does have some intelligent ideas and some of the advice she gives is good advice.  I do however completely disagree with Dr. Laura’s handling of this situation, with the insensitivity and disrespectful manner in which she treats her callers, and with her viewpoints the foster inequality.

On the Bachelor Pad episode 3 that aired 8/23/10 they had a kissing contest. For all of you who did not see the episode, the contest consisted of all the women lining up blind folded, and then one by one being kissed by all the men. They then went and cast a vote for which number they thought kissed the best. Then the roles were reversed with the males being blind folded.

What I thought was striking about this competition was the tactics the women had. Most of the girls assumed that if they really made out hard with the man, really attacked him, and went in for the kill, that they would be a shoe in for the winning vote. Therefore, one by one we the viewers witnessed most of the females slobber, grope, and aggressively kiss the males. However, there was one female that decided she would take a more sensual approach. She decided she would kiss them passionately, but not in an aggressive, explicit fashion (for all you Bachelor Pad followers the girl I speak of was Peyton). The girls who kissed with a hunting vibe were clearly confident that they had won. One over confident girl made it very clear that she was going to hold nothing back, and would gladly kiss all the boys in the house for twenty dollars. She of course was one of the most hard core kissers.

Interestingly, the winner was the girl who had decided to kiss in a less aggressive, yet passionate manner. She stated that she was also trying to be in tune with the men and react to what they seemed to like. Needless to say the girls that kissed hard core looked pretty surprised that they had not won. Meanwhile the winning girl was very taken off guard that she had won. This outcome makes sense because a girl following the rules of media would believe she was on the right track. So what does this mean? First and foremost, it means we need to quit trusting and following the virtual world. It’s not rooted in reality, therefore, it won’t bring us the happiness we think it will. Secondly, in my opinion it seems to me that men don’t necessarily want a kiss that is just that, a big wet empty kiss. Women many times play into the stereotype that men like aggressive, hyper-sexualized women that can dominate. This image is put out in society by the media (which has many formats and venues, one of which is the porn industry) and many women believe these messages. But the reality is both men and women want real, genuine, passionate relationships, and kissing is an extension of that bond. When either sex is really thinking about someone seriously, they don’t want someone from a movie, they want a real person. People can sense when someone is trying too hard to be something that they are not. Now I’m not saying that every once in a while someone may like an aggressive smooch, but generally speaking overall, people pick tender, passionate, and reactive kissing, not just a malling fest.

I’d like to also point out how this stereotype plays in women in another way, and that is clothing. It seems that many women believe that men want a girl that can dress in a very hyper-sexualized fashion. However, this too sends a similar message, and the men often times react in a similar fashion. They may like it to a certain degree, but most likely not the way the girl had hoped. He may view her as a fun fling, but not the one he would really choose for a lifetime. A person can be sexy without skin tight clothes. Remember, attraction is largely a mental phenomenon, so you need to trigger something more then just a persons biological reaction for anything long term. The reality is that overtly sexualized clothing can define someone to others as more of an object, it has this way of dehumanizing a person. Sadly, blatant sexualized clothing often times screams desperation, and no one finds that sexy.

So what’s the biggest kissing tip of all? To be genuine, and to forgot what the industry has taught you (this includes pornography and many hollywood movies). People enjoy kisses that feel thoughtful, sensual, passionate, and have a human touch. Neither a man nor a women wants a partner that seems over the top sexualized, fake, and untrustworthy. Of course, once a relationship is established, and once trust is built, then perhaps you both may want to “mix” it up a bit. I would like to also note that I am in no way saying that a kiss cannot be wild, but there is a fine line between trashy and classy, and if you want to be respected and taken seriously, then be sure to send the appropriate message, especially at the beginning. And with this advice, let the fireworks begin!

Elin gave her first (and what she says will be her only) interview to People magazine  for its Sept. 6, 2010 issue.  The article, entitled “My Journey” includes a story and question and answer section, in which Elin shares the story of her heartbreak, sets the record straight regarding inaccurate information passed along by the media, and tells us a little bit about herself, apart from her relationship with Tiger.  This article is worth reading.  Elin’s attitude, maturity, and strength are admirable.  Elin admits that she is a shy, private person.  She set the rules for the interview, requesting the ability to review written interview questions and submit her answers in writing.  Elin avoids discussion of any of the details of Tiger’s hurtful behavior.  Nevertheless, Elin’s responses are thoughtful and revealing of her attitude, strength, and values.  Elin is a classy woman, and we wish her the best.

View our lists of female-friendly media, including songs, movies, ad campaigns, books, and magazines that present women in a positive light and promote gender equality.  In a world where money talks and media influences, one of the easiest ways to participate in the fight for equality is by increasing demand.  Start Voting with your wallet.

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What are some empowering or enlightening songs, shows, movies, etc., that you have discovered?   Share them by commenting below.

1. While women move into apartments, men move into bachelor pads.

According to recent headlines, Tiger Woods has just moved into a bachelor pad.  Several months ago, Jon Gosselin moved into a bachelor pad.  Aren’t the homes of single women, even promiscuous party girls, still considered plain old apartments.

2. While celebrity women tend to appear heavily airbrushed and wrinkle-free in photographs (unless the picture is attached to a scandalous article, that is) celebrity men appear with wrinkly, saggy skin, even in cover shots.

This reinforces the idea that aging men look good, but aging women don’t, which is just wrong and harmful to women.  The least they could do is airbrush the men too!

3. Are there any comedic shows (sitcoms, award show acts, movies, stand up routines etc.) that don’t have some kind of joke about men checking out women’s body parts, saying they want to get laid, masturbating, or viewing pornography?

This is no longer unique or funny.  You know what might be more interesting, including males and females in reverse roles. Otherwise, come up with some new material, please!

4. In comparison to the scenes described in no. 3, women are rarely portrayed as enjoying sex purely for fun or being aroused by looking at men.

Betty White may have had a few of these scenes however.

5. When men cheat, people explain their behavior with phrases such as “men think with their penises.”

There is no excuse for similar selfishness or thoughtlessness on the part of women. When women engage in the same behavior, we are just called sluts and basket cases.

6. Attractive men over 35 are said to be hot, while attractive women over 35 are said to be “still hot.”

An insult and a complement all in one statement.

7. Women who wear Playboy gear.

What message are these women trying to send about themselves and how do they expect others might react?  The message I’ve always gotten is that these women are sleazy, lack class, and lack self respect.  You never see straight men walking around with Playgirl gear.

8. Bars and Restaurants where all the female servers are attractive and wearing revealing clothing, while the male servers aren’t especially attractive and are fully clothed.

Interestingly, a recent study found that female servers dressed in revealing clothing make less in tips then the men do.

9. Straight women who show more interest in looking at other women than checking out hot men.

I understand that we have been socially conditioned to be hyperfocused on our own appearances, how we can improve them, and how we compare to others, but this just leads to unhealthy competition amongst females, self-esteem problems, and body image issues.  Wouldn’t females be better off shifting some of their focus to the appearance of the guys and bonding over our critiques of them.

Join the rant, if you have your own sexist pet peeve.

Should children be allowed to wear t-shirts and wristbands that say “I Love Boobies” to school?  That was the issue discussed by the male and female morning show hosts on My talk, 107.1 fm (St.Paul/Minneapolis) this morning.  Although the male host seemed somewhat concerned about whether “I love Boobies” was the right message for junior high and high school students to be sending, the female host just couldn’t see a problem with it.

Before we go any further, some of you might be wondering, what is the “I Love Boobies” thing all about.  For those of you living under a rock, or just not all that cognizant of your surroundings, it has been a recent trend for adults and children, mostly male, to walk around sporting silicone wristbands and t-shirts with the message, “I Love Boobies.”  Why you might ask?  Only because of their deep concern and compassion for victim’s of breast cancer–The merchandise is sold by the Keep A Breast Foundation, a non-profit organization that seeks to increase breast cancer awareness among young people.  The money recieved by the non-profit goes towards the “Keep a Breast” programs, so they can develop additional kinds of boobie gear and do other things relating to awareness of breasts and breast cancer.   On the first page of the save the boobies campaign, only men’s shirts appear.  From that I gather the target audience for the shirts is male.

Based on the comments of the morning show callers, it appeared there was more support than not when it came to schools allowing kids to wear the “I Love Boobies” gear.  Many of the callers were women who said, “I don’t see the problem with it.”  Let me see if I can help you understand why kids wearing “I Love Boobies” gear to school might be problematic.

Whether we’re talking about rules at school, home, or within a society, rules are all about setting boundries in an otherwise boundry-less society.  The goal is (or at least should be) to draw the line where it makes sense to do so.  No matter where the line is set, people will push it back to some extent and test its limits.  For example, where the speed limit is 65, people often go 70.  Although most of us see stealing wrong, plenty of people are comfortable taking a grape from the grocery store or pen from work, not returning money to a store or restaurant when they have under-paid, or attempting to use coupons past there due date.  When the boundries have anything to do with gender, the boundries often get pushed in a direction that favors men, and hurts women, but the funny thing is, many women don’t seem to notice that.  For example, in a relationship, cheating is generally not ok, but the question is, where is the line.  Many of us, women included believe the line includes strippers and pornography.  Makes sense right- men can have a buck naked women rubbing her bare chest and crotch against him in a lap dance, but only if the women is considered a “stripper.”  If it was any other woman, that would definately be cheating though.  Women generally don’t have that option, but we’re different, right, so no problem.

Here’s my point.  I strongly suspect that most of the kids who wear and witness the wearing of “I love boobies” do it because boobies are sexually provocative, titillating and attract sexual attention.  If breast cancer was really their concern, they would wear a message that spoke of breast cancer more clearly.  Regardless of intent, the “I Love Boobies” message opens the door to other related, yet even more sexually inappropriate conversation.  As a rapid way to test this theory, first walk past a group of male onlookers with clothing that signals or shows nothing of your private parts.  Then walk past  the same group of male onlookers with your “I love Boobies” shirt, and watch and listen carefully.  Are they responding in a way that shows a legitimate concern for cancer, or is their reaction that of something else.  I refuse to buy an “I Love Boobies”  shirt, so I can’t participate in the experiment I propose, but if I did, I would anticipate the response to be some degree of sexual harassment, but no worries, as they say “boys will be boys.”

If I haven’t succeeded in convincing you that kids sporting “I Love Boobies” gear is problematic, I suggest we consider similiar t-shirts with the following slogans:

1. “I Love Skin” for skin cancer awareness.  A slight variation might be something like, “I Love Skin Mags”

2. “I Love P*ssy” or “I Love Vagina” for vulvar and cervical cancer.

3. ” I Love Balls” or “I Love Cock” for testicular, penile, and prostate cancers.  The nice thing about this- Lance Armstrong and others have had to do all these races and promotions to raise money, but it would be so easy to just slap these messages on a t-shirt. I’m just giving away the idea, feel free to use it.  Thinking about and talking about balls isn’t even considered all that sexually provocative.

4. “A Hard Man Is Good To Find” or “Get It Up” these would be perfect to help all of the men who can’t acheive erection and are too embarrassed to get a viagra prescriptions.  Statistically, many of the children’s parents have got to be affected by ED, which can be devastating to a man’s self esteem and marital relationship.

5. Some other ideas that I can’t claim ownership of include: the Share Your Bra Color on Facebook Campaign, that I was so glad to see many of my past classmates and co-workers participate in, Touch a Boob week, another popular Facebook campaign, and “Show your Boobs” which will soon be released as a picture book.  For more on these campaigns to raise breast cancer awareness, click here Show Your Boobs to Support Breast Cancer **Remember, you can do anything in the name of breast cancer, and that makes it okay.

6. Push to hold an awareness day at your child’s school, supporting each of the causes listed in numbers 1-4 above.  This way, a large number of the children can purchase the t-shirts described above, and few people will leave school that day unaware of the possibility of the health conditions expressed by their t-shirts.  Adults can hold similiar functions at their place of business.  Just think off all the money and awareness that will lead to.

For other innappropriate products and activities in the name of \”breast cancer awareness\” click here

Too many comedy movies contain mysogynistic humor geared towards an immature, male audience.  Unfortunately, the two most recent comedies I watched, Grown-ups and Death at a Funeral, were no exception.  Okay, Death at a Funeral, was a funny movie.  The part that I took offense to is the part that I will describe below.  Grown-ups, on the other hand, was just plain offensive and even with all its big name actors, it had no redeeming qualities.   The scenes I found troubling in both movies were scenes where middle aged men were oogling and lusting for scantily clad teenage girls.   In Grown-ups, one of the men had several attractive teenage daughters.  Many of the scenes showed the teenage girls in daisy dukes and bikinis, with the camera shifting focus between their body parts, and the men staring at their body parts.  The oogling men had no shame about their behavior and their buddies encouraged and participated in the objectification of the girls. In Death at a Funeral there were several scenes where a middle-aged man was oogling and hitting on a teenage girl, with camera shots focusing on her body parts.

Scenes like these are unacceptable and send the message that it’s okay for grown men to view teenage girls as sexual objects and conquests.

I’m a mother of two sons, and over the last sixteen years I’ve purchased more then my fair share of Legos. However, over the years I came to realize that I only really see parents and sons in this aisle. Boys of all ages come rushing into the aisle begging their parents for the coolest new spaceship, or pirate ship. Sadly, however, I can’t even recall seeing that happen with a girl (aside from the two girls I mention later). So my question is this, why don’t more parents include their daughters in on this classic toy?

Personally, I think Legos are one of the best toys invented, absolutely brilliant. They not only entertain your child for hours on end, but they also build endless mental skills. Everything from fostering creativity, to how gears and engines work. And to boot they are one of the few toys that has a great resale value after your child has grown out of them. Although, many people never truly do! If you are a garage sale junkie I’m sure you’re well aware of just how hard it is to find Lego sets. I prefer Lego brand compared to others because the instructions are clear and well done (my son has been following them since age 2), the pieces hold together well, and they have by far the most unique and diverse pieces, and sets.

I have two friends that have grade school girls, and what I found interesting is that both of those girls really like, and desire Legos. Both girls have spoken to me about all the sets they have, and want. Now, interestingly, neither girl has the “Belville” series sets from Lego. Instead they have pirates, and aquanauts, and all that fun adventure series stuff. Belville is just 4 sets geared towards girls that are pink, and focused on ponies and houses. Not nearly as imaginative, and adventurous as space aliens, castles, pirates, underwater Atlantis, motorized trains, robots, Star Wars, Spongebob, and Harry Potter sets are in my opinion! For girls it seems the doll and house themed stuff is over done! It’s like the toy industry for girls is a one note song, boring, and full of lackluster.

I think that people are often subconsciously corralled into buying the limited Belville series for girls because when you go in an aisle, or look online, you get the feeling that the Lego sets are segregated into genders. This concept goes for toy aisles in general. Perhaps because we are programmed to navigate to pink for girls when we see it. Our brains just immediately hone in on the pink when we shop for girls, and then forget to look at other possibilities. I have asked several parents of girls (both fathers and mothers) about why they haven’t purchased legos for their daughters, and once they thought about it they stated that they just hadn’t really ever thought about it, but now that they are, they are planning on getting some, and not just the Belville series. So what it often seems to come down to is that parents are used to going in the aisles that are obviously girl themed, thus unintentionally looking over other possibilities. It truly is about awareness.

What I recommend is that all parents start buying their daughters Lego’s, and toys from the boys section that have real imaginative stories to tell. Let girls enjoy goblins, under sea creatures, and space travel! Let them see beyond Brats dolls, Polly Pockets, and the color pink. I’m not saying they can’t enjoy their tea parties, but do include balance. My youngest son currently loves tea parties with his Alice the Wonderland tea set, and he also recently took up collecting those cute Littlest Pet Shop characters. Of course, he also enjoys battling his Star Wars figures, and building Lego rocket ships. Keep balance in mind, and start looking through all the toys aisles for your kids. Keep an open mind when toy shopping. The younger you start letting your child play with all types of toys the better they will take to it, because older kids if not taught young, quickly adhere to social rules about toy usage. Because of this social aspect you as a parent may need to give many positive messages before a child will start to enjoy the beauty of a pirate adventure, or the quaintness of a tea party. And for those who are worried about effecting your child’s gender, don’t be. Giving a child balanced toys is only going to make them well rounded. You want your boys to have parenting skills don’t you? You want your girls to have analytical skills don’t you? Humans are a combination of gender traits. We are not nice and tidy categories. Support the growth of a balanced child.

If you have any great toys experiences, cute stories, or great tips, please share them with us. We and other parents would love to hear them!

For further readings about toys and brain development visit my post that directly speaks of this under science and psychology, called “The Role Toys and Play have on the Developing Child’s Brain.” Also, my Fellow blogger has a post under the same category called, “Role Children’s Toys Play in Creating and Maintaining Gender Stereotypes.”

Here’s a list of extremely successful men that catapulted to fame because of women, and their attraction to men. This list is proof that women love and lust for men just as much as men do for women. Obviously, women are socially trained to not act overtly about their attractions, however, it appears that when it comes to Hollywood the rules can be bent. It’s as if we need some outlet somewhere to put all our displaced sexual tension, and this format has taken on that role. Consequently, because of this pent up desire, many male singers, bands, and movie stars have enjoyed heightened fame from our feeding frenzy. Men have sexual outlets everywhere they turn, women have few, therefore, we go nuts when we get the chance.

1) McDreamy and McSteamy: Those 2 hot doctors from the hit show Grey’s Anatomy are most certainly a huge reason women tune in weekly!

2) The Twilight Series Men: Women go crazy for those vampires and wolves without their shirts!

3) Leonardo Dicaprio during his Titanic reign: It is said that girls went to his movie 5 or 6 times just to see him over and over again.

4) The Beatles: They created hysteria everywhere they went.

5) Elvis Presley: His hip shaking had all the ladies screaming!

6) Micheal Jackson in the days of the moonwalk and Thriller: He was the world’s most famous celebrity, and women fainted at his concerts only to be carried out on stretchers.

7) Jonas Brothers, NKOTB, NSYNC, and The Backstreet Boys: These all boy bands had girls flocking in to get a glimpse of them and scream and cry. Most girls had a favorite they proudly wore t-shirts of.

Tom Cruise: Back in his heyday he was struting his stuff in a white collared shirt and sunglasses, and many a girl was daydreaming about him sliding through her house!

9) Bon Jovi, Poison, Skid Row, Slaughter, and Guns’n'Roses: 80′s big hair all male Rock bands were the concerts for women to be at back in the day. Women threw many a bra onstage!

10) Mick Jagger: The lead vocalist to The Rolling Stones was the source of many a girls’ fantasy back in the 1960′s. The Stones hit song “(I can’t get no) Satisfaction” was a hit with the girls in 1965.

If you have a personal favorite that you feel deserves recognition please feel free to let us know!

Over that last decade I have been traveling on an educational path towards what I know now, and what I know now is that DNA isn’t the whole story, not even close. This might sound like common sense, but, if that’s is so, then people aren’t showing it. If people understood the control they have over their DNA, they would care for their children differently, they would make a change to our education system, they would realize the ignorance of racism, sexism, and agism.

The reality is that science is starting to unveil a bombshell. This bombshell is epigenetics (from which I have a post on). As science digs deeper into how our DNA really operates, people are going to realize, that while science has uncovered a lot, the journey is far from over. People are going to come face to face with just how much they matter in their destiny, and that of their neighbors. Until people learn and accept this truth we will continue to have destructive outcomes from this lack of understanding. We cannot go on forever with our fears about diversity in one another, and our school system failing so many youth. It’s not the females DNA that made her preform lessor on a math test, it’s not the child’s DNA that made him drop out of high school in a subpar school system, it’s not the african american’s DNA that made him join a gang. It’s the environment they live in. Does DNA have a role, absolutely, however, it takes its cues from the environment on which way to go. It’s called dynamic development. A human’s DNA utilizes constant feed back from the environment to let it know which genes to switch on, and which genes to switch off. These genes can include everything from height to personality and mental traits. You can steer your health one way using the environment, as well as steer your brain and its mental health. The environment can override negative or positive traits. The switches work not only on the idea that they can go on or off, but also with timing, and intensity. Therefore, height for example has critical periods from which one can cause change. One cannot effect height via your genes all the time, only at certain times in development. Some genes have critical periods and do not. It makes sense when you think about it, the body has to be able to adjust quickly to its surroundings for survival, and to adjust it needs to manipulate the DNA into providing it with what it believes is being asked of it. Which, sadly, can all too often not be what we want.

Many of my writings here on The Mankini Revolution are to provide knowledge into just how important our environments are in our lives, right down to our DNA sequences, and the switches that control them. I will continue to post thoughts and information on these issues. I have many, many more writings coming shortly to support these ideas. My writings will cover a vast amount of subjects, because I believe that knowledge and new ideas can be found in the unlikeliest of places, and in the end everything fits together as one mosaic. These ideas about humans and their environment (dynamic development) have a strong foot hold in science, and I will be piecing the scientific data together here in the future to illuminate the puzzle I am constructing.

My ultimate message in the end is one of hope, because it means we are not slaves to our DNA.

I always was a bit of a tomboy.  Although my closest friends have been females, I’ve always enjoyed friendships with men.  As an adolescent and young adult, I considered myself different from other females.  I felt superior.  I was more rationale, more career-oriented, I didn’t like “chic flicks,” I had better things to talk about than kids, clothes, or makeup, and I wasn’t clingy or needy.

In recent years, I’ve found that I wasn’t nearly as unique as I had once imagined.  In fact, I’ve found that this attitude of superiority, the “one of the guys” mentality is commonplace amongst females.  Only when I discovered my lack of originality, did I realize the error in my way of thinking.

It turns out, we females have been socially conditioned to feel less competent or worthy of respect than our male counterparts.  Either consciously or subconsciously, a feeling of inferiority exists.  Because many of us have too much pride to categorize ourselves as a member of the so-called “inferior” group, we differentiate ourselves from other women.  Relying on the “If you can’t beat them join them” mentality, we decide we have more in common with men.  Although this mindset might not prevent a woman from accomplishing her individual objectives, her prejudice towards the female gender harms other women.

For all of you that can relate to my story, I hope you too will acknowledge the flaw in your thinking a try a new approach.  Instead of kicking other women down on your way to the top, attempt to raise other women up with you.  Fight for one another, not with one another.  Be welcoming of other women.  Give other women the benefit of the doubt.  Become a friend, supporter, and role model to for other women.

Share your comments please!

Check out our list of this week\’s female-friendly tv, books, and movies

Wow, has our country changed.  For the first time ever, there are more women than men in the workforce.  There are more women than men in colleges and graduate programs.  Finally, brains trump physical strength, and contrary to traditional views, women have proven-when it comes to brain power, we are at no disadvantage.  As evidence of these changes, women beginning their careers in the largest U.S. cities now out-earn their male counterparts by 8%.  As further evidence, a more compassionate, cooperative management style (that traditionally thought of as feminine) has become the management ideal, while fewer employees are willing to tolerate a harsh, hyper-masculine approach.

Don’t be fooled, there are still plenty of gender-related challenges and inequalities, but women have established that we have the ability to overcome whatever obstacles remain if we put our minds to it.

As we move forward, keep the following thoughts in mind:

1. Our goal is equality, not domination.  We seek equal respect and equal opportunities for equally competent men and women.

2. Women must support one another, and support the men who believe in us.  We will not achieve long-term success and keep our opponents at bay unless we support and assist one another.

3. Remember, we cannot wait around for someone to hand us the power and respect we strive for.  Power is taken, not given.  Respect must be demanded.

4. Step away from the beauty trap.  Hyper-focus on female beauty is a lose-lose situation for women.  Even today, one of the most effective ways to distract from a women’s accomplishments and marginalize a woman of power is to shift the focus from her abilities and accomplishments to her hair-do and other judgments of her physical appearance.  A good looking woman is discredited-she is said to have gotten to where she is because of her looks.  A less attractive women is laughed at and disrespected because her appearance is flawed.  Women are as guilty as men when it comes to the continuation of this problem.  The use of sex appeal to achieve success does not lead to the respect that hard work and superior intellect gives.  Limit female comptetion in the workplace to that of skills and intellect- it’s not a beauty contest, people.

Survival requires adaptation to changing times.  Women know this.  We have changed tremendously over the years. Men have been more resistant to change, and as a result, are suffering.  As suggested in this September, 2010 issue of Newsweek, now masculinity needs a makeover.    What will the new masculine ideal look like?  We have a few suggestions.

1. Authenticity trumps macho.  Any woman with male friends has seen first-hand how differently men act in front of other men, in comparison to how they act under circumstances where their masculinity won’t be challenged.  Maybe men won’t need to change that much after all, if men are allowed to be their authentic selves, to show their softer side, and no longer risk ostracism if they are not macho enough.

2. It’s okay to ask for help. A person can waste a lot of time, energy, and gas for that matter, if they don’t know where they’re going or what they are doing.  In addition to inconvenience, failure to seek help for medical or mental health conditions can lead to tragedy.  Asking for help should be seen as a sign of intelligence and sensibility, not a weakness.

3. The days of having sex whenever the opportunity presents itself are over. Day after day, we read headlines about the latest sex scandal, and all of the ways that men are losing their freedom, significant others, families, and careers due to irresponsible sexual behavior, yet as far as I can tell, the prevalent view of masculine sexuality is: men think with their penises, boys will be boys, if the opportunity presents itself, go for it.  In the age of the Internet and a more sexually permissive attitude on the part of females, this take whatever you can get idea of male sexuality needs to change.  Sex is one of the more dangerous, and potentially life-altering activities a person can engage in.  It’s time to think with your brains, guys–practice and encourage impulse control.

There are so many free, interesting, and entertaining podcasts.  I’ve found that podcasts are a great to pass time while driving.  I’ve even gotten into the habit of listening to them as I fall asleep at night.

Here are a few of our favorite podcasts.

Slate Magazine’s Double X: Intelligent, thoughtful discussion of politics and current events from a female perspective.

Money Girl’s Quick and Dirty Tips: Easy to understand tips and information about personal finance.

Stuff Mom Never Told You: Two young women discuss a wide variety of topics relating to gender and relationships.  Fun and informative approach.

Stuff You Missed in History Class: If you like history, or even if you have never liked history, but are willing to give it another chance, this is the podcast for you.  In this podcast, two young women discuss a wide range of historical topics, including women in history.  They make history a lot more fun than it was in school.  You’ll learn all the interesting tidbits that the history books leave out.

If you have any favorite podcasts that relate to female empowerment or gender issues, please share them with us.

Recent Duke graduate, Karen Owen, gained global attention when documentation of her sexual conquests went viral.

On PowerPoint slides, 23-year old Owen’s critiqued and rated each of the 13 men she slept with during her college years.  Owen entitled this 42-page document, “An education beyond the classroom: excelling in the realm of horizontal academics.  Most of Owen’s sexual flings involved the most attractive male athletes from the Duke Lacrosse team.

In her PowerPoint, Owen identifies each lover by name and picture and gives a brutally honest critique of each of sexual encounter,  including pros and cons of each sex partner and their grade in bed, determined by criteria such as physical appearance, penis size, and skill.

Owen says she had no intention of sharing the details of her sex life with the world.  She intended only to share her presentation with a few friends.  Owen herself admits to emailing the presentation to 3 friends, and one of them admittedly passed it on.  This eventually led to a leak to the entire Duke student population, followed by publication all over the Internet.

This story has been a hot topic on talk radio, and has led to heated debate about privacy rights and the double standard.  Some have applauded Owen for challenging gender stereotypes, rejecting the societal pressure to repress her sexuality, or for making a statement to the men who have reduced women to objects that exist for their pleasure.  Some have criticized Owen for stooping to the level of badly behaved men.  Others simply rely on the old fashion stud/slut double standard in their judgment of Owen’s behavior. (i.e. no big deal if a guy does it, but this Owen chick is a slut)

A female host on Cosmo XM appeared outraged by Owen’s behavior.  According to the Cosmo host, Owen is even worse than men who have done the same thing, at least a man wouldn’t act like he was empowered by his bad behavior.  Then she went on to discuss her dislike of cougars.  Personally, I had a hard time following her rationale.  From what I’ve heard Owen has not reported that she feels empowered as a result of what she has done.  Secondly, men’s sexual behavior has not been repressed, controlled, or judged to the extent women’s has, so use of the term empowering to describe men having sex is not as fitting.  Further, men may not use the term empowering to describe their sexual experiences, but I have little doubt that a man’s successful pursuit of a desirable women wouldn’t lead to a feeling of power.

Obviously there is reason to frown upon Owen’s behavior.  The most troubling part is the violation of privacy the men endured.  If Owen had taken care to conceal the men’s identities, I would be more inclined to say her decision to reveal intimate details of her life is her business.

Ridding the world of the stud/slut double standard is a worthy cause, and logically speaking, there are only a few ways in which we can eliminate the double standard.  We can either: (1) hold men to the heightened female standard of sexual behavior, (2) hold women to the less stringent male standard for judgement on sexual behavior, or (3) some of each.

Does bad female behavior such as Owen’s help to diminish the double standard?  Are there less damaging ways to accomplish that objective?  What do you think.

In the wake of recent tragadies caused by the bullying of gay teens, there is at least one thing every one of us can do that is free, simple, and would begin to make a difference– Anytime you hear the word gay used as an insult, whether in the media, or in conversation, be offended, and express your displeasure to whoever is present, and when possible to the offending party.  Or go a step further, and write letters in response to each of the offenses you witness in the media.

Examples of the insulting use of the word gay: “That’s so gay“, meaning “I don’t like that” or “Your gay” meaning “You’re weak” or “There’s something wrong with you.”

To help you identify which statements to respond to, put yourself in the shoes of a young boy who realizes he is gay, but wonders whether people would still respect him if they knew his secret.  How would it make him feel?

Please pass this message along.

Earlier this week, Oprah featured the story of 16-year-old Daniel Kovarbasich, who killed his accused molester, Duane Hurley, on January 22, 2010.  On that Friday morning, Daniel’s father dropped Daniel off at the home of Duane Hurley.  Duane Hurley, a man in his mid-fifties, and close family friend, was supposed to take Daniel to school.  Thirty minutes later, Daniel stabbed Duane 55 times, then frantically called his father, who found Daniel standing in the street, covered in blood. Inside the house, Duane lay dead with blood splattered on the floors and wall.

To those who knew Daniel, the killing seemed to happen out of no where.  As far as they knew, Daniel and Duane had always gotten along fine. Daniel claimed Duane suddenly attacked him, so he killed Duane in self-defense.  It took months before Daniel revealed the truth–Duane had been sexually abusing Daniel since Daniel was 12 years old, and at the moment  Daniel killed Duane, Daniel saw no other way to escape continued sexual abuse.

Daniel first met Duane Hurley when Daniel was 12.  Duane was 52.  They met when Daniel took interest in Duane’s dog.  After seeing Duane and his dog a second time, Duane asked Daniel if Daniel would like to watch the dog for a short time.  Duane paid Daniel generously upon his return.  Duane than gave Daniel jobs helping with yard work.  Over time, Daniel and his parents came to know Duane well, or so they thought.  They considered Duane a close friend of the family.

As these situations go, Duane didn’t do anything that struck Daniel as out of line at first, not until Daniel trusted him and became very attached to him.  Even then, Duane didn’t do anything that could be construed as criminal right off that bat.  As these things go, Duane started by testing Daniel’s boundries.  Some of the first incidents that Daniel remembers include Duane urinating with the door open, and sometimes Duane wondered into the restroom for something while Daniel was urinating.  On one occassion, Duane asked Daniel if he could come up with some words that meant the same thing as penis.

Daniel enjoyed the time he spent with Duane.  Daniel’s family was broke, and Duane spoiled him.  Duane even let Daniel drive Duane’s car before he had a license.  One catch, Daniel had to expose his genitals to Duane.  The sexual abuse esculated from there.  Duane always made Daniel feel like Daniel started it, because Daniel exposed his genitals.  Duane led Daniel to feel he would be blamed and wouldn’t be believed if he didn’t cooperate and keep the fondling a secret. Soon, Duane began penetrating Daniel anally.

On the date of the stabbing, Duane wanted sex from Daniel.  Daniel refused to take it anymore and erupted in anger.  That day, in Daniel’s abused, teen-age brain, killing Duane was the only way to end the abuse.

After the stabbing, Daniel said nothing about the sexual abuse.  In fact, Daniel now admits that at that time, he felt like he would rather spend the rest of his life in prison than admit he had had a sexual relationship with Duane. As is typical in these situations, in Daniel’s mind, Daniel was an active participant, at least that’s how he thought others would view it.

After several months, Daniel finally told the truth, that Duane was having sex with Daniel.  Daniel now understands that this was sexual abuse.  Daniel was convicted and sentenced to seven years probation.  Currently, Daniel is being held in jail until he is transferred to a mental health facility for inpatient treatment.  Some feel his sentence was compassionate, some feel Daniel got away with murder.

What can we learn from this tragedy?  Here’s what stands out in my mind:  Daniel was sexually abused for over three years and told no one.  Daniel felt so sure that telling someone wouldn’t resolve the situation, that he resorted to killing his molestor.  Even in the face of a lifetime behind bars, Daniel refused to disclose his abuse.

As a former criminal prosecutor, I have prosecuted several cases involving the sexual abuse of boys, by other boys and by men.  I have prosecuted cased involving both juvenile and adult offenders.  I have continued to monitor some of these cases while the offender was in inpatient sex offender treatment.  One thing I frequently found was that males were more willing to admit that they committed sexual offenses, than that they had been victims of sexual abuse.  Often it took several months in inpatient treatment and several polygraphes before, little by little, the males would admit that they commited sexual abuse of a male or female.  It took even more time before these males would admit they had been victimized.  This was different than my experience with female victims and offenders.  Like females, males often feel that they were to blame for their abuse, but unlike females, the males would rather admit to being the perpetrator, the one in control, than the victim.  This feeling was so strong, many would rather risk harsh legal consequences than speak of their victimization.

Unfortunately, when males don’t disclose their abuse, the offender isn’t stopped, and their trauma isn’t treated.  Rather, too many victims go on to suffer silently or to abuse others.  For a victim, victimizing others is a harmful way to regain a feeling of sexual control.

Based on the number of men I know personally, who have admitted to me, in confidence, that they were sexually abused as children, sexual abuse of boys is a common problem and goes largly unreported.  Male sex abuse victims feel even more shame then female sex abuse victims, and this needs to change.  I welcome your suggestions.

On the same episode of Oprah, Oprah revisited a story she covered several years back.  In that story an 8 year old boy was sexually abused by a man for about a year.  The boys mom felt that the courts were not doing what was necessary to ensure her son’s protection, so the victim’s mom killed his offender.

I’ve often heard people say, if my child was molested, I’d kill the guy.  For those who think they might take matters into their own hands, please read carefully.  The mother recieved a long prison sentence, leaving her young son and daughter without a parent.  The girl went to live with grandma, who was old and couldn’t care for two children.  The boy who had been abused went to live with an aunt.  The boy had to cope with the grief of his mom’s imprisonment, plus the grief of the abuse he endured.  He didn’t cope well.  He was a juvenile delinquent throughout adolescence and is currently in prison for beating a man to death.  A reporter went to the prison to interview him and found him to be incredibly insightful when speaking of his situation.  Interesting, he felt as though he was able to get past the sexual abuse, but was unable to recover from his mother’s imprisonment, and as a result went down a very bad path.

The lesson to all those in favor of vigilante justice for child molesters: Don’t take a horrible situation and make it as bad as you possibly can.  Instead, do whatever you can to put together the pieces that remain, while minimizing additional damage.

Last week, news broke about an HIV outbreak in the porn industry. The Adult Film Industry (AFI) has temporarily halted its productions, while Investigators determine the source of the disease and attempt to stop its spread.  Since 2004, 22 porn stars have tested positive for HIV.  The spread of other stds within the industry has been more prevalent.

AFI performers are required to test for sexually transmitted infections every 30 days. Many test at the Adult Industry Medical Health Care Foundation in Los Angeles.  Their test results are entered into a database, from which statistical information has been gathered.

Monthly testing, of course, only detects infections after the fact, and a person with HIV will test negative for a period of time after becoming infected.  Additionaly, performers rarely use condoms, they have sex with people outside of the industry who aren’t tested, and they tend to engage in especially risky sexual behaviors onscreen.

Here are some interesting facts provided by the LA County Department of Public Health.  Statistics specific to the porn industry originate from the test results of AFI peformers.

Prevalence of STDs for Porn Actors During a 4 Year Period (2004-2008)

During this 4-year period, ˜2,847 STD infections were diagnosed among 1,884 performers. ˜

About 70% of the std infections occurred in females. ˜(*reason females more susceptible explained below)

24% of the infected individuals became infected multiple times during the four year period. ˜  Of the 454 porn actors that became reinfected, 70 got at least 4 infections during the 4-year period. ˜  The Median amount of time between STD infections was approximately 6 months.   Females were reinfected on average 2 months earlier than males

What is the Risk of Contacting an STD through one incidence of unprotected vaginal sex with an infected partner?

Few people realize that the risk is well below 100%.  Even so, you don’t want to play russian roulette with your body.

1. Gonorrhea: 20-90%

2. Chlamydia: 45%

3. HPV:           40%

4. HSV (herpes, I would guess the reason this is so low is because once infected a person has the disease for life, but it’s not always contagious):         0.05 – 0.2%

5. HIV:           0.05% – 20%

STDs can also be contracted through anal sex, oral sex, oral-anal, and sharing sex toys.  Some can be transmitted through the eye.

Here are factors that increase your risk of catching STD from infected partner:

1. Multiple partners over short time periods

2. Prolonged intercourse

3. inadequate lubrication

4. anal or genital trauma w/ bleeding or menstruation

5. No condoms

6. Engaging in High Risk Sex Acts: Anal intercourse (tissues of the anus are more likely to tear), Double penetration, Ejaculation into vagina, anus, or eyes, and sharing sex toys.

7. Having another STD increases risk of contracting HIV

Comparison of STD Prevalence in Porn Actors vs. same age group in general population of LA County

During an 18-month period, STDs rates for porn actors were 10-fold greater than other similarly-aged indiviuals in LA County during the same time period:  7% vs. 0.7% (Chlamydia) and 2% vs. 0.2% (gonorrhea)

66% of porn stars have genital herpes.

How Often are Condoms Used in Straight Porn?

less than 20% of the time for vaginal and anal sex, 0% for oral sex

This post was created because I had a pondering thought one day about people. The thought was this, I couldn’t help but wonder why so many people I know are struggling with life, (some literally teetering on the edge of life and death), based on the idea that they had a low self-esteem. Many were made aware of this issue through counselors and psychologists. So to sum up my thought in one clear sweeping sentence, people were making self damaging decisions (drug/alcohol abuse, abusive relationships, crime, cutting, anorexia/bulimia, etc) based on the idea that they have a negative self-view. Furthermore, myself, and I’m sure many of you, have seen people that look on the outside to have every reason to have an ego the size of Texas, yet, instead are self-destructing before everyone’s very eyes. This self esteem problem is interesting because it seems odd in a sense that someone would self inflict pain and harm on themselves, when the reality is all they would have to do is simply change how they perceive themselves, or even easier yet, just not care. This seems as straight forward as any answer can get, right? You control your thoughts, so change them, thus relieving your pain and damaging cycles. People with physical disease could only hope for such control over their future. However, as many of us are aware, self-esteem is a powerful force, and the true answer is far from simple. A human’s self esteem often dictates their life, and someone suffering from a low self image all too often travels down a treacherous self destructive path. So then the next logical question would be, if self-esteem is so pivotal in someone’s life, then what’s its use? Why do we have it and why’s it failing so many?

My personal hypothesis about why we have self -esteem is that it serves as a barometer for how we measure up socially. As I covered deeply in a previous post about the social side of humanity, we need one another and have evolved elaborate social skills because of this need. Our self-esteem is just another extension of our social abilities. It helps us keep track of how we measure up with our friends, family, and society. It lets us know when we have done wrong, and helps us stay aware of what’s loved and hated by others. It keeps tabs on our popularity, and lets us know where we stand. If we didn’t have this mechanism we would burn bridges left and right. We need to be aware of how others perceive us. Just imagine what life would be like if you had no clue, or memory about who likes you, how the hierarchy of power was (and where you fit in), and how your actions were perceived by others. You might anger people, yet, have no ability to form an emotional response to your actions, in other words you wouldn’t even care to react, you’d be oblivious. Your body wouldn’t signal you to be careful and polite when the one that controls the resources is interacting with you. You also may not try to gain status for a better life for you or your young if you had no clue where your status was within a group or population. The odds are you’d be a very lonely person. In the early years of modern man this ability would have been critical in maintaining shelter, protection, food, and help with young. To be shunned in our earlier years would’ve truly been disastrous (and most likely a death sentence). Nonetheless, even in today’s world it’s smart to know where you stand with others. Your self-esteem functions as a gauge keeping track and takes in all your interactions within the world. It also evaluates what the world is looking for within us. With this information it then spits out an image of us in reference to all those variables (whether this image is realistic or not is another thing).

Sadly, this useful social tool has also caused us to encounter many dilemmas. The biggest dilemma is today’s complicated, and technological world. Our self-esteem gauge is simply over loaded in this day and age. It’s no longer trying to just keep track of a close knit clan. It’s now foraging through endless media images, and comparing our value to fame and fortune. The human self-esteem tries to make sense of how many twitter followers, and facebook friends a person has, and what that means to them. Technology in the world is racing at a pace that can make it hard for our minds and our self esteem to keep up with the changes. In fact, the modern human mind took millions of years to evolve, and utilizes thousands of genes, not something that is going to change quickly by any means. Just a hundred years ago communities used to be relatively small. Keeping social track of ourselves and our well-being in society was much more straightforward, and simple (at least relative to today). Now we have virtual worlds, celebrities, television, and much larger communities. Understanding our place, and how well we are being received in it is so much more complicated. What should a person draw their self perception from, the media, ads, magazines, friends, celebrities, family, internet social forums, work, school, hobbies? The list is endless, and just how much weight we put on each domain varies from person to person, or for that matter, if some areas should have any weight at all. A confusing self esteem battlefield to say the least.

Once a person gains a negative self image the struggling usually follows. To cope with the negative feelings from the low self-esteem the person often develops methods to mask the gut wrenching feelings of inferiority. These methods often prove to be negative, addictive behaviors that help take their minds off their perceived reality of themselves. Another negative side effect of low self-esteem is the reality that it often becomes a vicious self-fulfilling prophecy. A person with a low self-esteem notices the negative aspects of themselves, and disregards the positive. They often rationalize the positive away. If someone pays them a compliment they may disregard it by saying that the person was just trying to be nice. Also, because they feel they don’t deserve anything good or positive, they may turn away positive people and opportunities for negative ones. They build a world around themselves that confirms their feelings about themselves.

Now in the title I mentioned that gender is shaped by our self-esteem. You may be wondering how gender can play into these scenarios? Gender plays a crucial role because it’s linked to self-esteem from very early on. This is because one of the first labels and categories we divide ourselves into is gender. Now once we categorize ourselves into a gender we begin to assess how we measure up. But what happens if you don’t feel like you are the gleaming example of a girl, or a boy? How does that effect your self image? Many males and females feel as though they are living a lie, or just never able to live up to society’s expectations. What if you are a boy that doesn’t like sports? What if you are a girl that hates dressing up? We measure ourselves up to what society dictates as a standard, and then give ourselves a grade. Many take this grade very seriously. This idea goes for any category in society really. Sexual identity can also take a lashing from society. If you are attracted to the same sex, or feel your body doesn’t match you as a person (male/female/genderqueer) then you may also suffer from feelings of inferiority  stemming from the rejection of society, and the shame of hiding who you truly are. How can someone feel good about who they are when they know they have to hide it? Hiding implies that you are doing something wrong and shameful. How can anyone build a positive self image when the foundation isn’t secure?

I would also like to make mention of one last idea that has roots in the previous paragraph. Humans have a powerful internal force in them at work, and its called cognitive dissonance. It’s one of the most studied theories in social psychology. Its basic idea is that when someone has conflicting feelings/ideas at the same time inside themselves they feel discomfort. Because of this discomfort the person tries to reduce the discomfort with various tactics. Some of the ways a person may reduce these negative feelings is by either changing their attitudes and beliefs, or by blaming, denying, and rationalizing. A simple example of this theory may be a person who drives a hummer (or other large SUV) but claims to be earth friendly. They often deal with this conflict inside themselves by rationalizing how they can drive the hummer because they practice other eco-friendly strategies. Now, given this idea, imagine a person that is trying to fit a mold perceived to be popular and loved by society. Perhaps a man that enjoys less manly things. Now because he may want to be loved and accepted by all of society he may suppress those qualities (change his behavior ) to fit what he believes is good. But when that fails and he has to deal with the truth that he cannot change who he truly is, how then will he deal with that discomfort (the dissonance here is his idea that he is a good successful man, yet society is saying his behaviors don’t match with being a man)? Most likely he’ll deal with it in a self destructive fashion because a person can only live a lie for so long, and many take years or a lifetime (over which many addictions and destructive behaviors can develop) to ever change their beliefs that society is the one that has it wrong.

In the end self-esteem plays a critical role in shaping our lives, and when we look deeper into its origins we discover why it has so much power over us. Hopefully as we gain knowledge about humanity we can start unraveling more ways to help people move forward in a more positive image.

If you have any stories, or experiences that involve self-esteem please feel free to share. Oftentimes we learn, and take comfort from the stories of others.

Tyler Perry may be the second highest-earning man in Hollywood (right under Avatar producer, James Cameron), but all the success in the world could not erase the scars he carries from the severe abuse he endured as a child.

Tyler Perry appeared on Oprah on October 20, 2010, , and for the first time ever, Perry revealed the details of his traumatic childhood. Perry spoke candidly about the sexual abuse he experienced by the age of 10, as well as the abuse of his father.

The abuse by his father was physical and emotional.  As a child, Perry could never please his father.  Perry liked to spend his time reading.  His father didn’t understand nor value Perry’s love of books.  He felt boys should work with their hands, and be physical.  Perry could never fit his father’s expectations for masculine behavior.   To this day, Perry fears his father.  Even though Perry no longer speaks to his father, Perry supports his father financially.   When his father received word that Perry was speaking out about his abuse, his father’s only response was “If I beat him any more, he might have been Barack Obama,” thereby taking full credit for Perry’s successes, while failing to show respect to the man who pays for him to live an extravagant lifestyle, and refusing to even acknowledge the heartache he has caused Perry throughout his life.

Perry told Oprah that she was his inspiration for telling his story of sexual abuse, and that to thank her, he wanted to speak publicly about it for the first time on her show before its end.  Perry said that too many men go through their lives scarred by sexual abuse, but will not talk about it.  According to Perry, this boys don’t cry, be tough and keep quite about any vulnerabilities attitude is destroying men.  When men don’t speak about their abuse, they are not coping positively, and they respond in damaging ways that hurt others.

Perry spoke of being fondled by a neighbor man as a young boy, and how his first sexual experience involved him receiving oral sex from a man at his church.  That man misused god and religion to justify his actions.  Perry spoke of how these experiences led to shame and to confusion regarding sexuality.  Perry said that his first sexual experience with a woman occurred when he was just ten years old and at a friend’s house playing with toys.  Perry innocently told the friend’s mom that he needed to go home.  The woman was lying on the couch in lingerie, which Perry wasn’t familiar with at that time.  Instead of taking Perry home, she locked the door, and inserted the key into her vagina.  She then pulled Perry on top of her, forcing Perry to have sex with her.

While a lot of men might speak of such a situation with a woman as if it were a 10 year old’s fantasy come true, Perry spoke with honesty and insight, as he explained the fear, the confusion, the shame, and the pain that it caused.  Perry described that his sexual abuse led to difficulty being intimate with girlfriends.  After having sex with a girlfriend, Perry used to have to jump out of bed immediately and shower because he felt that sex was dirty.  He also has triggers that cause him to re-experience the fear and pain of the past abuse.  For example, Perry talked about a girlfriend who surprised him with lingerie, trying to look sexy for him, and how it caused his trauma to re-surface.  Perry also experienced a situation where he was about to have sex with a girlfriend, until she got up and locked the door, this triggered emotions from the abuse, and made it impossible for him to perform.

1 in 6 males have been victims of childhood sexual abuse.  Many of them suffer in silence.  These men are nonetheless effected.  Some cope by sexually abusing others, some cope by objectification and sexual aggression towards females to prove their manliness, for some, the shame and anger are self-directed.

On November 6, 2010 Perry will return to Oprah.  On that day, men from across the country will join Tyler Perry and break their silence about the sexual abuse they endured and how it has impacted their lives.  We hope that these shows will lead us down the path towards a new standard for masculine strength and courage.

Glee is currently one of the most popular shows on television.  Glee is a musical comedy-drama series that airs weekly on Fox.  It focuses on a high school glee club, and the lives of it’s members.  Recently female characters of Glee have gained attention and stirred up controversy with their provacative photos in the current edition of GQ magazine.  These photos of the girls, at school, showing bras and panties, in sexually provatative poses, has led to heated debate.  Some feel the photos are distasteful, even pedophilic Others say what’s the big deal.  Although the girls play teens in their show, they are actually adults, in their twenties.

The two biggest objections raised by critics are that the Glee girls are role models for their children, and they don’t want their children viewing or admiring them sexualized.  To that, the supporters of the photos say if you parent your children properly, they won’t see GQ, which is a magazine for adult men, and they probably won’t even know of the existance of the photos.  I say, if you are counting on young women in Hollywood to be positive role models for your children, especially when it comes to determining appropriate dress, you’ll experience a lot of disappointment.  I don’t hear of or see much evidence of female musicians and actors who have taken a firm stance against posing semi-nude, or in sexually titillating photos.  Taylor Swift is one of the few who as far as I’ve seen has always dressed with class, looking stylish and sexy, but never revealing too much.  If you are aware of others, please share.

Others have complained that the photos are almost pedophilic.  The girls are in their twenties, but play teens in their show. The biggest problem with the pictures, in my opinion, is that the girls posed as their teen characters, in their high school setting, not as their twenty-something selves.  This raises an issue worthy of discussion: Should Teen Characters Be Depicted In a Sexually Provocative Manner?  In a world where sex with minors is illegal and carries serious implications, should we really be encouraging adult men to engage in sexual fantasy about high school students?  Don’t people already have enough of a problem controlling inappropriate urges?  What do you think?

I noticed on other websites, that a lot of women have been very vocal in their responses in favor of these photos.  If you are a female and feel strongly that there is nothing wrong with these photos, please explain why the criticism of these photos has caused you to react so strongly.  Do you like to look at these types of pictures of other women?  Are you envious of their appearance and ability to attract sexual attention?  Or is their some other explanation?

This isn’t the first time teenage girl characters have been displayed as sex objects.  Movies Where Teen Characters Are Sexualized By Grown Men

This is the Second Annual ESPN Body Issue. Unlike the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, this is not a skin mag full of sexually provocative and heavily airbrushed pictures of models.  ESPN has started its own tradition, one that is actually related to athletics, and presents a more realistic view of the appearance of the human body.  The Body Issue contains pictures of male and female athletes, of various ages, races, shapes and sizes.  The athletes are in the nude, with their breasts and genitals covered by strategically placed body parts or objects. The athletes are not spread eagle with a come hither look in their eyes.  Rather, the pictures show just how amazing and powerful the human body is. Whether you support the trend in gender equality this magazine provides, think the human body is magnificent, appreciate realistic portrayals of appearance, or whether you are just curious to see what NBA players, NFL players, and Olympians look like naked, I suggest you pick up a copy.

For other Magazine Recommendations Check out Magazine Recommendations (Updated Weekly-Monthly)

The ninth, and possibly the most important season ever of the Dr. Phil Show.  This season Dr. Phil has begun a powerful, season-long campaign against domestic violence.  Dr. Phil has decided to go after this silent epidemic “in a very big way.”    In a series of episodes he calls, “End the Silence on Domestic Violence,” Dr. Phil will introduce his audience to women who will share their inspiratonal stories of domestic abuse.  Dr. Phil will show women of all ages what to look for in an abusive situation, and teach men that violence against women is never okay.  Go to the Dr. Phil website and you will find all kinds of useful information, the topics of upcoming shows, and, if you’d like to join the campaign, you can donate money or purchase items to support the fight against domestic violence.  Dr. Phil Show Website

Taylor Swift’s album “Speak Now” was released Monday, and is expected to have the biggest first-week sales of any album this year.  Since the release of her first album in 2006, Taylor Swift has achieved a long list of accomplishments.  To name a few, Swift was nominated for the Best New Artist award for her first album, earned four Grammy Awards, including the Album of the Year, for her second album, was best-selling musician of the year in 2008, was named Artist of the Year by Billboard Magazine in 2009, and was ranked 12th-most powerful celebrity by Forbes, with earnings of $45 million in 2010.

Swift has never been a slave to the music industry.  Beginning with her first album, Swift has been calling the shots.  In fact, Swift rejected her first opportunity at a lucrative record deal, because she was dead set on singing all of her own music, rather than music approved or selected by the record label.  That’s right, Taylor Swift writes all of her own music and says that each song is based on a personal story.  Something that makes Swift even more unique in the music industry is Swift’s holding herself to a high standard of personal behavior and calling the shots when it comes to interviews and photo sessions.  Swift has consistently carried herself with class and displayed a great deal of restraint and self-respect.  Pictures of Swift have remained in high demand, despite her refusal to pose provocatively or display herself in an overtly sexual manner.  Although Swift does not shy away from a sexy, stylish look, Swift has proven that women can be hot and highly desirable, while looking respectable and keeping some things to the imagination.  Do a google image search for Taylor Swift and compare it to what comes up for other musicians, even some of my favorites like, Pink, Beyonce, or Christina Aguilera and you’ll see what I’m talking about.

Swift’s high standards for herself apply to her interviews as well.  It’s often amazed me to see women of beauty, success, fame, and wealth on shows like Howard Stern, answering questions about their pubic hair maintenance routine, breast size, and speaking of the most intimate details of their sex lives for all to hear.  Swift comes across as fun and interesting, without giving into the pressure to reveal overly personal information to the press.

One criticism of Swift is that almost all of her songs are about relationships with men, whether it’s falling in love, getting her heart broken, or breaking someone else’s heart.  As Taylor reveals in her November 1, 2010 People Magazine interview, Swift has no problem being single. She’s single now.  Sure she’d make an exception if the right man came along, but until then, Swift loves her life as a single woman.

Even for Swift, setting healthy boundaries doesn’t always come easily.  To keep herself in check, Swift says she’ll ask herself, how would I feel about this decision when I’m 80 years old.  Unless she expects to be impressed with herself, she’s not doing it.

Portia De Rossi was on Oprah Monday to discuss her new memior, “Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain.” De Rossi is the wife of  Ellen DeGeneres, and is best known for her roles in Ally McBeal and Better Off Ted. In her book, De Rossi reveals her struggles with eating disorders, body image, and sexual orientation, that nearly killed her.

De Rossi’s book begins in 1997, the year before De Rossi began playing the sexy lawyer, Nelle Porter, on Ally McBeal.  De Rossi’s eating disorder took off with the start of her role on Ally McBeal and continued throughout her four years on the show.  While filming McBeal, De Rossi’s weight dropped to a life threatening 82 lbs.  De Rossi, who is 5’8, limited herself to 300 calories a day, sometimes less, and took several laxatives a day.

During the filming of McBeal, De Rossi says she viewed her restrictive eating habits simply as taking her job seriously. She felt it was what she had to do in order to justify her high salary and meet others expectations of her.  De Rossi believes that the pressure she felt to meet unrealistic beauty standards led to her destructive behavior.

During the filming of McBeal, De Rossi also hid the fact that she was a lesbian, a secret that caused her additional pain.  Initially, De Rossi herself didn’t realize she was a lesbian.  She just assumed she was heterosexual, and even married a man.  De Rossi would engage in what she saw as sexual experimentation with other women, but only if she believed the women were primarily heterosexual, because that way it was easier to avoid labeling herself as gay.  The problem was, De Rossi found herself desiring romantic relationships with female friends.  After repeated disappointment by the realization that her feelings were not reciprocated, De Rossi could no longer deny that she was a lesbian.  De Rossi dated women, but hid her sexual orientation during her time on McBeal. What hurt De Rossi the most was that when she disclosed her sexuality to her mother, her mother claimed to be fine with it, yet wanted De Rossi to keep it a secret.  Regarding her mother’s reaction, De Rossi says, there is a thin line between privacy and shame.

After collapsing on a movie set in 2001, De Rossi  realized she needed help with her eating disorders and began the process of recovery.  De Rossi met Ellen DeGeneres in 2004 and in 2005, De Rossi publicly disclosed her sexual orientation.

It’s easy to find movies, magazines, and tv shows in mainstream media that objectify women.  In fact, it is commonplace to find shows, movies, or magazines ,where women exist as eye candy, and men are shameless about commenting on or ogling women’s bodies.  For a woman with a strong attraction to men, similiar portrayals of men are more difficult to come by.  Interestingly, I’ve found that some of the best (and hottest) examples of hunky men being sexualized by woman, have involved lesbians.

The Ellen DeGeneres Show is a great example.  Ellen often has hunky men on her show, and is not at all shy about focusing on  the appearances of her attractive male guests.  Ellen makes comments about how great the men look, sometimes has them take their shirts off, and often joins her guests in participating in games that involve the women rubbing the bodies of or sitting on the laps of gorgeous, often scantily clad, men.  Ellen even has a male assistant on the show who wears short shorts.  Even though Ellen is a lesbian, Ellen clearly has an ability to enjoy the site of and flirtation with attractive men.  With Ellen’s encouragement, her straight female guests join in, and appear to have a great time.  I am not aware of any straight woman, in mainstream culture, who has made a habit of sexualizing men in this way.

Another lesbian woman, Jane Lynch of Glee, was recently featured in a More Magazine.  In the photo shoot, Lynch was surrounded by hot, scantily clad, young men.  (The only other woman I am aware of who has recently had her picture taken with attractive, scantily clad young men is 88 year old, Betty White.)

The final example that comes to mind is Rosie O’Donnell.  Back when Rosie had a talk show, it was a common occurrence for her to get incredibly excited over how hot Tom Cruise was.

So, why do lesbian women seem to show more comfort with and interest in the sexualization of men then straight women do?

I don’t have the answer to this question, but I have some ideas.  As a straight woman, even I often feel a strong need to be (or at least portray myself as) a “good girl” in order to fit in and to avoid criticism.  Good girls don’t allow themselves to become titillated by staring at men’s body parts, and if we do, we don’t gain social support by sharing that part of ourselves.  Because women lack opportunity and encouragement to sexualize men, many straight woman have become more comfortable and even more stimulated by images of other woman then of men.  This response is not natural, but a product of our socialization.

If a straight female tv show host featured  as many scantily clad men on her show, she would be called a slut, and even straight women would be likely to distance themselves from her as a result.  Lesbian women, on the other hand, can get away with sexualizing men. People are more comfortable seeing lesbian women in dominant roles, they are not viewed as sluts or threats to men, and  their display of opposite sex attraction makes them more relatable to straight woman.

Since the suicide of the gay Rutger’s student, Ellen DeGeneres has been on a mission to stop bullying and cruelty.  Ellen has used her daily talk show as a venue to accomplish this goal.  (Watch it if you haven’t seen it!  We think it’s great!!)  At the end of every show, Ellen reminds her audience to “be kind.”  Ellen often has celebrity guests on her show, and she has started asking many of her celebrity guests to speak about their experiences being bullied.  Many of the biggest stars were routinely bullied as children because they were different.  The same uniqueness they were bullied for allowed them stand out in the crowd, thereby leading to their success.     Today Madonna was on Ellen.  Madonna too was bullied.  Madonna spoke about the hurt caused by judging others for individual differences and choices.  Madonna then proposed a challenge; she challenged the audience to for one day avoid saying anything negative or judgmental about others and not to participate in any such conversations.  What an excellent idea.  At the very least, this exercise will make us aware of our own tendencies to put down and judge others, and awareness is the first step towards change.

The woman with Charlie Sheen during his widely publicized October drunken rampage, is bringing a civil lawsuit against Sheen, claiming battery, assault, and false imprisonment. The complainant, Capri Anderson, was interviewed on Good Morning America this morning.

Anderson works as an escort and porn star.  Anderson had never met Sheen prior to the night in question, and reports that her escort agency scheduled for her to attend a dinner party with Sheen.  She was supposed to be paid $3,500 for the engagement, and according to Anderson, sex with Sheen was not part of the agreement.  Anderson described Sheen as intoxicated and obnoxious at the restaurant, and said Sheen’s ex, Denise Richards left the restaurant early because she was uncomfortable with what was taking place.  Because of Sheen’s level of intoxication, a member of Sheen’s party asked Anderson to take Sheen to his hotel room and make sure he stayed there.  Once in the hotel room, Anderson admits to consensual sexual activity with Sheen.  At some point afterwards, Anderson says Sheen became scary.  Anderson says Sheen choked her and licked her face all over.  Than Sheen threw a lamp at her, and threatened her with a knife or letter opener.  Anderson escaped from Sheen and locked herself in the bathroom. Sheen bashed against the door, saying “let me in, I’ll kill you.”

When police arrived, they found Sheen naked and surrounded by broken glass, blood, and other disarray.  Anderson was naked and locked in the bathroom.  According to police reports, Anderson refused medical attention and didn’t make a report.

A day or two later, Anderson made an announcement on her pornographic website in response to concern about what had taken place, saying that she was just fine.

Anderson said she never was paid the money she was promised for her escorting services that evening and denies expecting money for sex.  Based on other reports from that evening, it sounds like Sheen motivation for attacking Anderson was his inability to find his wallet and suspicion that Anderson took it.

Based on my knowledge of the events of the evening, Sheen’s intoxication and out of control behavior, and Sheen’s history of aggression towards woman, I tend to believe that Sheen did in fact engage in behavior that constitutes a crime against Anderson that night, but in court, the only question becomes whether her attorney can prove it.  As a lawyer and former prosecutor, I find it highly unlikely that Anderson would be successful if this case were to go to trial.  Anderson has a lot of problematic evidence to overcome.  Porn stars and call girls are rarely viewed credible witnesses, Anderson failed to make a report to the police, even though she spoke to them just afterwards.  Anderson denied a problem on her website.  Sheen’s attorneys will just say she is after his money and decided to sue when she realized Sheen wouldn’t pay her for sex. In the majority of cases, the parties settle without a trial, so settlement may be Anderson’s best bet.

It’s interesting to see the commonality between the character Sheen plays in Two and a Half Men and the way he lives his life.   His character is an unapologetic misogynist who is in constant pursuant to party and get laid.  Show some violence against women on the show and there would be little distinction between the two.  Even more troubling, Two and a Half Men has been the top rating comedy on television and Sheen makes the most of any actor per episode.

Check Out our list of this week\’s female-friendly tv, books, and movies

February 6 is not just Superbowl Sunday, it is National Porn Sunday.  According to Porn Sunday creators at xxxchurch.com, Porn Sunday is a one-day event designed to start the conversation about the issues surrounding pornography, “America’s ‘dirty little secret.’”

NFL players Ryan Picket of the Packers, Matt Hasselbeck of the Seahawks, Jon Kitna of the Cowboys, and former NFL quarterback Josh McCownalso appear in an anti-porn campaign video that will be released Superbowl Sunday, revealing the harm porn use can cause, especially with relationships.

Pornography use is treated in popular culture as a normal, expected part of a male’s life.  It is commonplace for movies and tv shows to have at least one scene where a boy or man is looking at  or talking about pornography.  Comedians and tv personalities frequently tell jokes that normalize pornography use.  For example, just the other day, in the couple minutes I saw of the George Lopez Show, Lopez was talking about a recently released sex tape of Kendra Wilkinson with another female.  Lopez didn’t explain that the tape was made when Kendra was a troubled, drug addicted 18-year old and was initially distributed by an ex-boyfriend without her consent, leading to serious difficulties in her personal life.  Instead, what Lopez said is “I think I speak for all the men in the audience when I say, I’m buying that.”  Pornography use by females is more common then you might think, but it’s rarely admitted to or referred to as a female trait.

Based on the statistics, porn use is not as harmless as some would have you believe.  Pornography is one of the fastest-growing addictions, and one of the fastest-growing causes of divorce.  40 million people visit Internet porn web sites daily, 47% of those identifying as Christians said pornography is a major problem in their home.  10% of adults admit to Internet sexual addiction – 65% male,  35% female.  Divorce lawyers say pornography is now listed as a significant factor in causing one-half to two-thirds of all divorces.

In order to avoid the legal, relationship, or addiction problems associated with porn use, here are some guidelines to follow:

1. Limit your porn use to avoid dependency and addiction. Viewing porn activates pathways similar to those activated with drug abuse.  Similar feel-good neurotransmitters are released.  As with any other potentially addictive substance, pornography must be treated with caution or its use can easily get out of control.

2. If you are in a relationship, be open with your significant other and decide as a couple whether and to what extent porn use is acceptable. It’s often only a matter of time before secretive porn use surfaces.  Based on reports of those blindsided by their partners porn use, its effects on the intimacy and trust in a relationship can be as devastating as those caused by an affair.  Even if your not in a relationship now, keep in mind that your habits can be difficult to change, even when your circumstances change.

3. Don’t view websites that contain videos or images of subjects who are underage, forced to submit to sexual acts, or videotaped/photographed/shown on a site against their knowledge or will. You might be surprised how many of these websites exist, especially those featuring unknowing victims of hidden cameras or videos/photos sent in by former partners, even by current partners, that were intended to remain private.

4. Don’t view pornography at work or on a work computer. This can be cause for termination.

Oprah Raises Issue: Are Today\’s Women Into Porn?

Cultural anthropologist and author, Helen Fisher, was commissioned by match.com to conduct the most comprehensive study ever performed on gender and dating. Her results may surprise you.  Men were more likely to have the characteristics typically attributed to women, while women are more likely to have attitudes traditionally attributed to men.   The study included a large number of male and female subjects representing each region of the U.S., and age groups between 21 and 65 years old.

Men of nearly all age groups were as eager or more eager to marry than women.  In the 21 to 24  year old age group and the 50 plus group, men were more eager to marry than women.  Men were also more eager to want children and more eager to introduce a new partner to their families.  Men fall in love more quickly then women and are more likely than women to marry someone they are not sexually attracted to, if she has most of the other qualities they are looking for.  Women have more of a desire than men to spend time out with girlfriends, have their own bank account, and to go on vacations without their spouse.

The same percentage of men and women say they have later fallen in love with someone they didn’t initially find attractive-35%.

Both men and women care less about the age, race, and religion of their partner than studies have shown in previous years.  Only 20% of men and 29%of women say it is very important for their spouse to be of the same ethnic group.

It is believed that these unexpected results are largely the result of women’s movement towards financial independence.

Federal funding of Planned Parenthood has been a hot topic in politics.  Republicans insistence in cutting federal funding for Planned Parenthood nearly led to a governmental shut down.  The reason these Republicans are so opposed to funding Planned Parenthood is because Planned Parenthood (PP) performs abortions, even though federal funds are not, and cannot be, used for abortion.

This issue has resulted in misleading public attacks on PP.  Recently presidential hopeful and U.S. Representative, Michelle Bachmann, told an audience in Iowa that the director of Planned Parenthood in Illinois said he wanted to make PP the “Lenscrafters of Big Abortion.”   Actually, the director made the statement that he sees PP as “the Lenscrafters of Family Planning.”   Fox personality Glenn Beck said only hookers go to PP.   In a Senate floor speech, senator Jon Kyl said abortion services are “well over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does.”  These statements are just not true.

Planned Parenthood provides a wide variety of services to a wide variety of individuals.  Abortions make up less than 3% of PP’s services, and are only available at some PP locations.    Women (and men) go to PP for birth control,  std testing and treatment, cancer screening and prevention, pregnancy tests and prenatal care.

Personally, I have been to PP and generally prefer PP to seeing a general practitioner or OB/gyn doc for my reproductive health needs.  From my experience PP employs a lot of highly skilled female doctors and nurse practitioners. I strongly prefer to see a female doctor for any gynecological issue.  PP docs and nurses seem to be more knowledgeable and up to date on all the latest research, tests, treatments, etc. when it comes to reproductive health then I’ve found doctors and nurses elsewhere to be.  PP services are affordable.  They accept insurance, but for those with inadequate coverage or financial means, they charge according to a patent’s ability to pay.   As a poor college student, it is unlikely that I would have kept up with annual cancer screenings without PP.  PP docs and nurses tend to be incredibly comfortable in dealing with discussions and exams of a vaginal or sexual nature, and I have found them to be personable, caring, and non-judgmental.  These qualities make PP such an accessible and comfortable place for women to take care of their reproductive health needs.  I would presume that PP prevents the need for more abortions then they actually perform.

Go Girl!: Raising Healthy, Confident and Successful Girls Through Sports By Hannah Storm, Mark Jenkins

Tuesday On Dvd

Jane Eyre

On Tv

Monday (8/7c) The Bachelorette Finale, followed by After the Final Rose

In Theatres Friday

The Whistleblower (limited release)

This drama is based on the true story of Kathryn Bolkovac, a Nebraska cop who served as a peacekeeper in post-war Bosnia and outed the U.N. for covering up sex trafficking.

On tv

Beyond the Magic of Words: The J.K. Rowling Story. (Monday 7/18 on Lifetime 8/7c)

A docudrama about the life of the women how wrote the Harry Potter books.

New Books

All About Love: Anatomy of an Unruly Emotion by Lisa Appignanesi

The author draws together psychology, literature, popular culture, and her own experiences in order to tangle with love’s paradoxes across the span of our lives.

The Bravest Woman in America by Marissa Moss , Andrea U’Ren

Children’s book created by award-winning author Marissa Moss and  award-winning illustrator Andrea U’Ren.  Based on the true story of  Ida Lewis, “the Bravest Woman in America” who was recognized with a Congressional Life Saving Medal and the American Cross of Honor for her work as a lighthouse keeper and rescuer.

Book Release

A Stole Life by Jaycee Dugard

For more on Jaycee Dugard, click below.

Jaycee Dugard Story and Why It Shouldn’t Have Happened

The Following Grammar Girl Books (by Mignon Fogarty, a.k.a. Grammar Girl) To Be Released July 5, 2011

-Grammar Girl Presents the Ultimate Writing Guide for Students

-Grammer Girl’s 101 Misused Words You’ll Never Confuse Again

-Grammar Girl’s 101 Words Every High School Graduate Needs to Know

Mignon Fogarty, a.k.a. Grammar Girl, is on a mission to end bad grammar and the least painful way possible.  You may be familiar with Fogarty’s weekly podcasts addressing the most common grammatical errors.  Fogarty’s Grammar Girl tips have also been featured on Oprah and in the New York Times.

Rescuing Regina: The Battle to Save a Friend from Deportation and Death
by Josephe Marie Flynn , Helen Prejean (Foreword by)–Nonfiction

The incredible story of Regina Bakala, who fled the Congo for the United States, after enduring rape, imprisonment, and torture in her homeland.  A decade later, she was locked in a U.S. prison facing deportation.  A group worked tirelessly to save Regina from deportation.  Their struggle reveals the danger that several asylum seekers face in the United States.

The Big C –Season 2 premieres Monday, June 27th at 10:30 p.m. ET/PT Showtime

This is a great show about a woman living with cancer, and finding humor in her circumstances.

Beyonce’s New Album “4″ out Tuesday.

Check out her single “Girls Run the World”

Warren Buffett Invests Like a Girl: And Why You Should Too
by Louann Lofton

This book explains why women tend to have what it takes to be superior investors, and what Warren Buffet, the most successful investor in history, does right, that is most typically found in female investors. The book empowers women and teaches men and women how to improve their investment stratagies.

Epigenetics: The Ultimate Mystery of Inheritance
by Richard C. Francis

One of the first books for laypersons on the subject of epigenetics (the science of gene expression).  Epigenetics is a fascinating new field of scientific research.  For example, recently scientists have discovered that environmental factors can impact an individual’s physiology so deeply that the biological scars can be inherited by subsequent generations.

Release of Shania Twain’s inspirational new single from her upcoming album–”Today is Your Day”.

available on Itunes